MHA #16 and then Cutter’s Office at the ARC - Tuesday after class

[itsananomaly]

Cutter was extremely glad that he had booked a portal immediately after class because the last thing he wanted was to be in his apartment, being so close to Connor and not being able to be near him. How had he been so stupid? How could he think after everything that Connor would want to take him back after everything he had done.

He made a very quick stop to his apartment to pick up his bags and then he made it to his portal. He was somehow able to hold it together long enough to make it from the portal to the ARC, he didn’t say anything, just rested his head against the window, watching the city drive by as Becker drove him. He could see Becker looking back in concern in the rearview mirror but he still couldn’t say anything.

It was like that until they made to the ARC and then he couldn’t bring himself to meet with the team just then, he shut himself in his office and only then he curled up on the couch and started crying.

[that Cutter was in his apartment and then left to go home is fine for broadcast but everything after that is NFB due to distance. For one!]

Comments

[thearcfamily]

Becker had been watching Cutter for most of the drive to the ARC, and he knew enough to not push him. So when Cutter ended up locking himself away in the office Becker let him be and have some time to himself.

But eventually, he got concerned enough that he went to the door and gave a tentative knock. There was only silence and a moment later Becker knocked again.

"Nick. It's Becker. Are you ok? You... you don't have to let me in, I just wanted to... to make sure you were ok."

[itsananomaly]

At first Cutter wasn’t going to say anything, he had managed to stop crying for a few minutes and he wasn’t sure he was in the mood for a conversation but finally he stood up from the couch, wincing at the effort that it took and made his way to the door and opened it.

He didn’t say anything for a few moments and then the tears started up again, he shook his head, “I’m not okay,” he finally managed to say in a voice barely more than a whisper.

[thearcfamily]

"I... kinda figured" Becker said with a sympathetic nod. It didn't take ex-special ops to know Cutter was in a bad way.

"I brought drinks?" He offered, holding up the two bottles of beer he had brought with him. "Permission to come in?"

[itsananomaly]

Cutter could only nod at first, he was terrified of saying anything in case he burst into tears. He took a deep breath and he stepped aside to let Becker in, “okay,” he finally managed to get out.

He stared miserably at the floor, he couldn’t quite bring himself to look up at Becker just then and he let out a sob.

[thearcfamily]

Becker considered Cutter as he handed him one of the beers.

"Couch? Or right here?" he asked with a nod to where they were standing as he leaned against the wall slightly. He had no trouble just sitting where they were if that was what Nick could do.

[itsananomaly]

Cutter gratefully took the beer that Becker offered, “thank you,” he managed.

He looked back in the direction of the couch and then at the floor where they were standing, “we can sit here,” he decided, not feeling up to the trek back to the couch just then and he was pretty sure if they did that he would definitely start crying again.

[thearcfamily]

"Floor it is then" Becker said as he waited to see if Cutter needed any help before he sat down beside him, back against the wall.

He didn't know what he could say... nothing really.... that would make Cutter feel any better. But he knew all too well how much just knowing someone was there could mean. And so he sat there, quietly for a while, just letting Cutter know he wasn't alone and that he was there to talk if he wanted.

[itsananomaly]

Cutter carefully sat down on the floor next to Becker, for the longest time he didn't say anything, just taking sips of beer as he tried to think of what to say ... how to even begin to explain the mess of emotions he was feeling, how he had screwed everything up.

"I ... " he started and then stopped, "I ...I asked Connor ... I wanted us to get back together and ... and he said ... he said he couldn't do that," the tears started falling down his cheeks, "I screwed everything up ... I pushed him away and hurt him and ... now ..."

He couldn't keep talking, the tears were falling freely down his cheeks and he took another swig of beer.

[thearcfamily]

Becker drank some the beer as he sat and listened. He had figured it had to be something to do with Connor considering how badly Cutter seemed to be taking whatever it was that had happened.

"It's been a bit of an ordeal for you both, all of this" Becker said after a moment's thought. "It's not been easy on Connor, but its also not been at all easy on you. Give him some time... it might take some time for Connor to process everything and figure out what he wants. And you need the time too... before rushing back into things."

[itsananomaly]

"I miss him," Cutter sobbed, taking another gulp of beer as he did, "what if ... what if he doesn't want to get back together? What if I really did screw everything up?" his shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes, trying to fight back those tears that he couldn't stop from falling.

[thearcfamily]

"If that is what Connor decides he wants, if that is what is best for him, then you have to figure out a way to accept it. I know it's not what you want... and it hurts... but if you do care about Connor as much as I think you do... you have to find a way to honor that and respect his wishes."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter closed his eyes eyes and let out a sob, "I ... I don't know how I can," he admitted softly, "being around him hurts, I don't ... I don't know what to do, how to move on ... it will be like Helen and Stephen all over again," he trembled.

[thearcfamily]

Becker sat quietly for a moment, trying to think of how best to approach what he wanted to say as he took a couple more drinks of beer.

"Have you thought about picking up a couple of sessions again... with someone like Dr. Jones?" he asked softly. "Talking to someone might help. I am always here and willing to talk and do what I can, but this is definitely outside my area of expertise."

Becker watched Cutter for a moment before he continued. "I know my therapist was one of the biggest reasons I was able to recover the way I did. And I still talk to him now. It... it might be something to consider, Nick."

[itsananomaly]

"I ..." Cutter hesitated, staring down at the beer bottle, he didn't really like the idea of seeing Dr. Jones again but he knew he really did need to see someone, "I ... know I need to see someone," he said finally, "but I ... I don't want to go back to Dr. Jones," he admitted.

[thearcfamily]

"And that's understandable, considering how you two were back at the hospital. But if you would like to try and set something up and see how you do with someone else... I can help you find someone, Nick."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter bit his lip and then nodded, "I ... I would like that," he said softly, "I ... won't Lester have to have anyone I see vetted with the nature of our work? Doesn't that take time?" he wasn't sure how any of this process worked.

[thearcfamily]

"Lester has already vetted Dr. Taylor. After I joined, I recommended Lester check him out and see if he could pass vetting. He knows the basics of what the ARC does and all." Becker considered Cutter for a moment and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You can trust him, Nick. He's very patient and good at what he does. I mean, he helped me for crying out loud" Becker said with a faint chuckle.

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded, feeling a bit more reassured at that, “do …” he hesitated, “will you come with me? To some of the sessions? I … I don’t want to go alone,” he said softly, staring down at the beer bottle.

[thearcfamily]

"Of course, I will. I'll take you and go to the sessions whenever you want, Nick. You don't have to do this alone." Becker finished off the beer bottle and then looked back at Cutter. "When would you like to get started? I can work with Lester and Im sure we can get a first session set up with Dr. Taylor before you head back to Fandom if you want."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter took a deep breath at that and nodded, feeling a lot calmer now and he drank some more of his beer, “thank you,” he said softly, “um … I think I should probably start before I head back to Fandom … I … I think I need to do this sooner rather than later,” he admitted.

[thearcfamily]

Becker was glad to hear that because he had been worried Cutter would be reluctant to start.

"I'll make the call today and get something set up. Dr. Taylor usually keeps slots open for his more 'unique or specialized sessions' so I am sure I can get you something in the next day or two."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded and finished off the last of his beer, "thank you," he said again, "for ... for all of this, I ... nothing makes much sense right now but I ... I know I can't keep going on like this ... I ... need ... I need to do this ... especially if ... especially if Connor doesn't want to get back together ... then ... I need to be able to support his choice and give him space and this all very new to me," he said quietly.

[thearcfamily]

"The very fact that you realize that and are taking this step speaks volumes, Nick. It's a hard thing to do but this first step is an important one." He gave Cutter a smile. "Proud of you and the progress you are making, Nick. This will take time, but you are doing what you need to do to get there. And I will be here to help and support you in any way that I can."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter bit his lip and nodded, "it ... it means a lot, to have your support in this when you've done so much for me already," he said softly, "I'll ... " he wasn't sure what he wanted to say and his voice trailed off for a while, "I'll try and make this work,"

He just hoped it went better than the sessions with Dr. Jones had.

[thearcfamily]

"And that is all anyone can ask of you right now. And if it doesn't work out with Dr. Taylor for whatever reason, we can look for someone else."

Becker softened a bit as he looked at Cutter. "And you can always call anytime you need Cutter. I'm here for you, as are Lester and the rest of the team. You won't go through this alone."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded as the tears started over flowing again, “thank you,” he said softly, “I ..,I don’t want to be alone,” he admitted, “I thought …I thought I did and that made everything worse,”

[thearcfamily]

"it's a balance... knowing when to try and stand on your own and when to admit you need help and accept it. Took me far longer than it should have so you are in good company with that" Becker said gently. "And sometimes its a break from a certain person, or a place, or a habit. or activity that is needed. Unfortunately, the only way to really know what it is and what works is to try and see. And that is what you are doing now."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded, biting his lip, “I’ve never been good at that, figuring out that balance,” he admitted, “I …I don’t even know where to begin with that,” he said softly.

[thearcfamily]

"At that is what Dr. Taylor can help you with. Figuring out that process and what does and doesn't work. It's easier to do when you have someone helping and guiding you" Becker said. "And you have all of us here as well."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded, wiping away the last of his tears, “I …I know I need the help,” he said quietly, “I …I can’t keep going the way I am,”

[thearcfamily]

"And that is the biggest step, believe me. You will have all the help you need now that you are ready to accept it" Becker said simply.

[itsananomaly]

Cutter nodded, “thank you,” he said quietly, “I …sorry, it …I didn’t think I’d be this much of a mess when I came back,” he said sheepishly.

[thearcfamily]

"Nothing to apologize for, Nick. Life is seldom cooperative and usually doesn't play by our plans or our rules." Becker smiled softly. "I am just glad I can help you take the next step in this. In case you didn't know... I care about you, Nick. Just so ya know."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter gave a very small smile at that, tears starting to form in his eyes again and he tried to blink them away before they could start falling, "I care about you too Becker," he said softly, "I ... I really appreciate everything you've done for me, I ...I really wouldn't have gotten this far without your support,"

[thearcfamily]

"Not sure I want to think about where I would have ended up if Lester hadn't hired me..."

Becker reached over and put his arm around Nick for a quick hug then dropped his arm and gave a small stretch.

"So, don't know about you but I don't think my back is going to handle sitting on the floor much longer... so shall we?"

[itsananomaly]

Cutter was grateful for that quick hug, he gave a small smile, "I think we can move off the floor," Cutter agreed, starting to feel a little better, considering how badly the day had started.

He paused, "I don't think my back will handle sitting on the floor either," he admitted as he slowly began to stand up.