Lester's Apartment - London

[itsananomaly]

After the whirlwind of the last few days since the funeral, Cutter had nearly forgotten that they were coming up to the post two weeks since they had left the hospital and after that they would be released from Lester’s care … only he had no idea what he was supposed to do or wanted to do. He and Connor hadn’t really said much in the last few days since Cutter had told him about his feelings for Helen and Stephen, Cutter wanted to give Connor that space, even though it hurt but maybe it was really for the best. They had to decide what they wanted to do with their future and maybe it would be better to go their separate ways for a while … He wasn’t going to say anything of this to Connor or Lester, he wasn’t sure how Lester would react and he knew this would only hurt and make Connor angry again so he was keeping these thoughts to himself for now. He lay curled up on the couch, it had been his default position for the last few days but he supposed he would have to eventually talk to Lester and Connor especially if they were going to go back to Fandom. [part twenty two. CW for medical trauma, injuries and emotional recovery. Preplayed with the amazing anomaly_research_nerd NFB but OOC welcome!]

Connor(itsananomaly)	Connor still didn't know exactly what he felt about everything. He was trying to see things from Cutter's point of view, but he still felt hurt and betrayed. He had kept to himself mostly after the talk with Becker. He wanted to give Cutter space to think and grieve as Becker had suggested. Which was for the best because he still had no idea what to say to Cutter and found having more than a minimal civil conversation was something neither of them seemed capable of just then. Connor walked into the living room after having taken a quick shower and flinched ever so slightly when he saw Cutter on the couch still. He hesitated a moment, almost deciding to not even say anything, but he hated giving Cutter the cold shoulder totally. "Did you hear Lester wanted to talk to us today?" he asked simply, trying to smile as he did.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	It took Cutter a moment to register that Connor was actually talking to him and he stirred slightly, glancing up at him tiredly ... he could see that Connor was trying to make an effort but he just felt ... numb ... he wasn't sure how to process his feelings and everything just ... hurt ... "I ... I did..." Cutter finally nodded, "I ... I guess it's going to be about our ... our future?" he winced a bit at that, did they even have a future now after this? He didn't want to try and contemplate that, "I ... James was only supposed to look after us for two weeks right?"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"That was the original plan yes." Connor said simply. "i guess he's either made other arrangements with the hospital staff or we are getting close to... to going back home." And as happy as he wanted to be at the idea of going back to Fandom, there was a bitter taste in the back of his mouth and a churning fear in his stomach thinking about what that might look like now after everything.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter closed his eyes at that, he did want to go back to Fandom but now he wasn't sure what he wanted ... he wanted to be with Connor so badly but he knew that was going to be hard now ... now that he had screwed up everything ... "Home," he said softly, "that ... that would be nice," he sighed, "I ... " He took a deep breath, "I suppose we'll find out soon,"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded, not knowing what else to say. Slowly he walked over to the kitchen counter, the one spot of the kitchen they were allowed to touch as that's where Lester had set up the coffee pot for them so they could make their own without making the kitchen a mess. Connor hesitated a moment as he got his much and looked over his shoulder towards Cutter. "Want any?" he asked as he held up his mug.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter forced himself into a sitting position, "I ... yes please," he nodded, "I .. that would be nice, thank you," his voice trailed off again. He really didn't know what else to say and he stared down at his hands, he wished he knew how he could fix this but he didn't know if it could ever be fixed and that thought terrified him.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded and then grabbed another mug and started making the coffee. It was almost muscle memory at this point- he had made coffee for them nearly every morning since they had left the hospital. He knew how Cutter liked it and he barely had to think about it. Connor wanted to say something, anything, to Cutter. He wanted to fill the heavy silence that had fallen. But he didn't know what to say. So he kept quiet. And a few minutes later he was handing Cutter his mug with a small weak smile.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"Thank you," Cutter said with a very tired smile in response as he took that cup of coffee, he liked how Connor made his coffee and it had become rather comforting to him and the fact that he had even offered to make his coffee this morning, after everything ... He stared down at the mug in his hands and then took a careful sip, "...thank you," he said softly again.
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester had had to be out of the apartment for a few hours that morning, he had several meetings that he hadn't been able to avoid and he wanted to get back to Nick and Connor, he knew that things had been strained since the funeral and he wanted to believe that this was merely a case of them accepting he reality that Stephen had died but something still felt off between them. He needed to talk to them about what would happen now that the two weeks were coming to an end, to begin those steps as they decided what they wanted their future to be and he wanted to make sure that they were going to be okay ... he was worried about them. He finally made it back to his apartment and saw that Connor and Nick were drinking coffee, "ah good, you're both up, I was hoping to have a talk with you about what your plans were ... as I'm sure you're aware, the two week arrangement that I had with the hospital is coming to an end and barring any last minute complications, you'll be able to leave this weekend whether that's back to Fandom or to your house here in London Nick, I'll leave that up to you and Connor to decide but I wanted to make sure that you both understood what was going to happen when this arrangement is finished?"
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker had also come in with Lester, having finished the morning patrol and check in just a short time before. He stood there giving a small nod to Connor and then to Cutter. He really hated feeling like he was caught in the middle of all this. But he knew this was something they had to figure out on his own. He, like Lester though, was worried and wanted to make sure they were going to be ok, regardless of what decisions they ended up making. He stood a little ways behind Lester and listened as he spoke, trying to read Connor and Cutter's expressions as the topic of their future plans came up.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor sat quietly in the chair, staring down into the mug he still held in his hands. What did he want? He barely knew anymore; his brain was so conflicted, and his emotions so raw. "I... I'd like to go ... back to Fandom" he said quietly as he looked up at Lester and risked a glance over to Cutter. "I want to go back home."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter looked up at that, a flash of surprise in his expression and he stared at Connor for a moment before turning his gaze back to his mug, "I ... I'd like to return to Fandom as well," he said softly, "I ... I don't want to stay in London," There were too many memories here and there were also memories in Fandom but he ... he could deal with the Fandom memories, he didn't think he could bare to return to his house after this ...
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester nodded, he had suspected as much, "very well," he said, "I want you both to understand that you're welcome to return to the ARC at anytime, that just because you're heading back to Fandom doesn't mean that you won't be welcome at the ARC," he told them. "You'll still need to do a couple more physio sessions and another medical check up just before you're allowed to return though," he said sympathetically, "to make sure that everything is right before you're cleared to leave,"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded slowly and looked down at his hands, his eyes fixating on the one still wrapped in the brace. He looked back up at Lester, afraid to ask the question but knowing he had to. "Did... did they decide what to do about... my hand?" Connor swallowed hard trying to fight back the lump in his throat. He knew the drs weren't happy with the way it was healing and there were some things they couldn't do much about. But he also knew there had been talk of another small surgery to try and fix what they could.
Lester(thearcfamily)	"I have talked to the specialists and that was one of the things I did want to discuss with you Connor," Lester told him gently, glancing at Nick who looked worried as well about the news, "they do want to try and do another surgery, we can get it scheduled quickly and in a few days you'll be able to return to Fandom," he promised, "it's entirely up to you Connor but the specialists do feel that your hand may have a better chance of recovering if you do this second surgery,"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded slowly and looked down at his hands, his eyes fixating on the one still wrapped in the brace. He looked back up at Lester, afraid to ask the question but knowing he had to. "Did... did they decide what to do about... my hand?" Connor swallowed hard trying to fight back the lump in his throat. He knew the drs weren't happy with the way it was healing and there were some things they couldn't do much about. But he also knew there had been talk of another small surgery to try and fix what they could.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"A-alright... I want to... to see if it helps" Connor said softly as he looked down at his hand. If it could give him back more motion and use of his hand he wanted to try it. "I... can always get any follow-ups at the clinic on the island... or just head to the mainland if I need anything, right?"
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester nodded, "that's right," he said gently, "I'll make sure that the specialists forward all of your medical notes to the clinic at Fandom and if there's anything that you need or any concerns you may have, you'll have both mine and Captain Becker's numbers as well as your specialists, you won't be going through this alone Connor," Cutter sat there feeling very guilty, he should be supporting Connor during this, he was about to have a second surgery on his hand and he couldn't even be there for him ...it wasn't supposed to be like this but he didn't know what he could do or say at that moment to try and support Connor either and he sat there blankly, gripping that coffee mug as if his life depended on it.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Connor glanced over at Cutter and Becker saw his expression fall and his shoulders slump a little more. Whatever they had been saying, he was trying not to poke and push too much right now, but it didn't seem to be working too well. And that worried him. "We've set it up already that if you wanted to have the surgery, I'm cleared to take you and stay with you the entire time" Becker said reassuringly. "And it should be a quick and easy surgery, you won't have to stay overnight at the hospital or anything." Connor looked at Becker and smiled softly. "Thank you Becker... Lester." Not being able to add Nick's name there hurt more than he thought it would and Connor put his attention back to the coffee as he took a long, slow drink.
Lester(thearcfamily)	"You're welcome Connor, Captain Becker will keep me informed of how your surgery goes and the specialists will make sure you have your instructions for post surgery care, your hand will be very sensitive for a couple of weeks, it will be important to make sure you follow these steps," Lester told him. And still Cutter couldn't do or say anything, he just stared blankly ahead as if he wasn't even in the room anymore, he heard snippets of conversation around him but he still couldn't say anything and he just stared ahead at a spot on Lester's wall and he tuned everything out after a while.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded slowly. "I'll... do whatever I need to do," he said softly. He glanced at Cutter out of the corner of his eyes. he didn't think not feeling anything would hurt so much. But the lack of Cutter's hand, his touch, a gentle hug, his hand in his... it was an entirely different kind of pain. Connor swallowed hard and looked over at Becker and Lester. "So surgery tomorrow then" he said realizing how few days there were left in their stay with Lester. That both terrified him to have surgery that quickly but also, in a way.... it gave him a chance to be away from Cutter just for a bit... Maybe things would be better when he got back. After the surgery. When he was a little less broken and damaged.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter was drifting …he wasn’t even in the room anymore, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t hear anything …his head hurt and then … The coffee mug that he had been gripping dropped to the floor and he startled as it smashed to pieces, at least he had drank the coffee already but it was enough to send him panicking back to the room snd he looked around wide eyed at Lester and Becker …when had they even come into the room?And then he looked at Connor with wide, tired scared eyes, “I’m sorry,” he said quietly as he hunched over. Did he mean the coffee cup, the surgery …everything? All of the above? It was hard to tell but Cutter sat there shaking and trembling, the broken shards of his cup at his feet.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor jumped as did Becker as the mug smashed against the floor. "Nick!" Connor said with a startle as he turned to look at him, the concern in his eyes evident. "Nick? Are you ok?" he asked as he shifted on the couch and reached out a hand to put on Cutter's trembling shoulder. Connor looked from Cutter over to Becker and Lester, his own surprise and concern evident on their faces as well. Connor turned back to Cutter, his heart breaking to see him like this. "Nick... talk to me please. Are you alright?"
Cutter(itsananomaly)	“I …” Cutter blinked as he tried to understand what was happening, why he couldn’t focus on anything …people were talking to him, why couldn’t he say anything. “I …I don’t know,” he said softly, barely aware of Connor’s hand on his shoulder, “my head hurts…” he glanced down at the mug and shivered, “I’m sorry about the mug,” Lester had grabbed a dustpan and broom and was cleaning up the shards, “Nick don’t worry about the mug,” he said softly once the glass was cleaned away and then he found a blanket that he could wrap around him. “Captain Becker could you get a glass of water please?” He placed a hand gently on Cutter’s head, frowning as it felt rather clammy.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Becker was already on his way before Lester even finished the request and returned a moment later with the water, which he handed to Cutter. Connor laid a hand over Cutter's as he watched him carefully. "Try and drink something Nick, please" Connor said softly, the lump in his throat making it hard to speak just then. Connor looked up at Becker and took the glass and held it closer for Cutter as he hesitated for a split second and then slipped his other arm around Cutter and tried to get him to drink.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled weakly as he leaned against Connor, trying to take that sip of water even though it was taking a lot of energy to do even that. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, “I’m so sorry,” He didn’t know what was wrong, he felt so tired and everything hurt.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor watched Cutter and pulled him closer, pulling the blanket around him better as he did. "Let's get you lying down Nick. You need to rest" Connor said, the guilt filling him as he thought about how off Cutter had seemed since their argument the other day. "You haven't slept in a while. You... you'll feel better if you can sleep..." he said trying to give an encouraging smile. It was his fault Cutter was like this. He shouldn't have overreacted. He shouldn't have been angry with Cutter. He couldn't help how he felt... it was wrong of him to ask Cuter to forget and ignore all that for him. Connor rubbed Cutter's shoulder gently and tried to get him to shift so he could help him lie down on the couch a bit.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter shivered as he tried to stay warm despite leaning against Connor and the blanket. It took a lot of effort to try and move himself, Lester moved in to help him, “easy there Nick, don’t try and move to much, Connor’s right you’ll feel much better when you’re lying down,” “Sleep…” he blinked when he tried to think when he had last actually slept, he had been on the couch for a while but he hadn’t really slept in that time, “I …I …” he fell silent and nodded, “I …I can try and sleep,” He wasn’t sure if it would work but he would try, he needed to be a better boyfriend for Connor, he hadn’t been there for him these last few days and now he was having more surgery and he still couldn’t be there for him …he was so tired, maybe he would feel better after he slept.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor helped Cutter get comfortable as Becker moved to put the pillows back behind Cutter. Shifting to the end of the couch, Connor watched Cutter curl up again and he reached out and laid a hand on Cutter's leg, gently rubbing through the blanket to let him know he was there. "Just rest Nick..." he said softly as he watched him carefully, the concern and worry still very real.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled as he tried to get comfortable on the couch, feeling quite comforted by that gentle leg rub, he had missed that ... missed Connor, maybe all of these feelings and doubts that he was having was just because he was tired? If he slept, he would be able to think more clearly and he could be the boyfriend that Connor deserved. "I'm sorry," he said again, looking tiredly up at Connor, then Lester and Becker as he started feel drowsy, hoping that everything might be better if he slept ...
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Sh-h-h-h, it's ok Nick... Just rest, ok?" Connor said softly as he kept up the gentle rubbing. He watched Cutter as he seemed to be relaxing somewhat and sighed softly. Connor looked over at Becker and Lester as he did.
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester was still concerned, watching both Connor and Cutter, "if you think you'll be alright here Connor, I'll go and make the final arrangements for the hospital to confirm that your surgery will be taking place tomorrow," he said softly, "I can stay here if you would rather not be left alone," he added.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"I'll be right outside if you need me, Connor" Becker said as he put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. Connor nodded gratefully and finally managed to get words past the lump in his throat. "I... I'll be fine. Thank you Lester," he said softly. "Thank you Becker." Becker gave a small smile and then with a nod to Lester, he headed for the door to take up his usual post outside.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Lester nodded at that, "you're welcome Connor, and if you do need me, you can reach me on my phone - both my personal and work number," he added as he took one last worried glance at Nick who was curled up on the couch and then back up at Connor, making sure he was okay before he left to make the final arrangements for Connor's surgery the next day. Cutter shivered as he tried to get comfortable, "Co...Connor are you still there?" he murmured softly, he had heard Lester and Becker leave and for a terrible moment he thought that Connor had left him as well ... which he would deserve that, he deserved to be left alone ... people kept getting hurt because of him ...
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I'm still here Nick" Connor said softly as he started rubbing Cutter's leg again to prove it. He sat there quietly for a moment and then started to hum softly. A minute or two later he began to sing. Softly. As he continued to gently rub Cutter's leg to let him know he was still there.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"Please stay ..." Cutter said softly, even though he knew he was definitely pushing it and he relaxed slightly as he felt Connor start rubbing his leg again. "I ... I don't want ..." He couldn't bring himself to say 'I don't want to be left alone', he was tired and weak and he knew that eventually he would be alone because somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear Helen's taunts of how he would screw this up ... like he screwed up everything and he was sure that he had definitely screwed up here ... He did enjoy hearing Connor sing, how much Connor's singing meant to him back in the cell on that first day ...he lay there on the couch and started to close his eyes ...
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor kept singing softly, watching as Cutter slowly started to drift. even once he thought Cutter was mostly asleep he still kept singing, hand on him still so he knew he was still there. And as he did his own mind churned over and over again, replying what Helen and Stephen had said, what he had said under the influence of the truth serum, and what Nick had said recently about his feelings for his ex's. Connor didn't know how much sleep he would be able to get, but he knew he had to try so he would be alright for the surgery. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, hoping that maybe... maybe things would be better in the morning.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter eventually drifted off into a dreamless sleep, Connor's singing a comfort as he began to finally get comfortable enough to sleep. He didn't know when the last time he had slept and it took him a few goes before he did finally completely relax enough to fall asleep. "Thank you," he murmured softly to Connor just before he fell asleep.