Lester's Apartment - London

[itsananomaly]

The funeral had been two days ago and in that time Cutter had barely moved from the couch, he had barely eaten or spoken aside from the occasional sobs that would escape. He was barely aware of time moving at all … it seemed to have come to a complete stop and Cutter was just existing … He was just tired and numb and he didn’t know how to react around Connor, after telling him that he was still in love with his exes … sometimes sleeping was just the easiest thing to do and that was how he had been since they had gotten back from the funeral, it was just easier to shut down and not deal with any of this. [part twenty one. CW for medical trauma and grief. Preplayed with the amazing anomaly_research_nerd. NFB but OOC welcome!]

Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Two days had felt like an eternity in some ways, everything moving at a snails pace it seemed.There wasn't anything to distract Connor or keep his mind from falling into that same nauseating cycle over and over and over again. The team wasn't even around as much the last few days. There had been a spike in anomaly activity so Jenny and the rest of the team had been kept fairly busy the last couple of days. The one constant they had was Becker and even he had been spending more time out on patrol. Connor knew it was likely because he wanted to give them space, and he was both thankful for it and loathed to have the extra time to think. Connor stood in the doorway for a moment, the uncertainty taking hold again once again as he looked at Cutter. Slowly he walked over and sat down on the chair across from the couch, his own eyes dark from sleepless nights and the same shirt he had changed into after the funeral was the one he was still wearing. Connor was silent for a moment then sighed as he looked over and met Cutter's gaze. "We need to talk, Nick."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter had been expecting (and dreading this) ... he knew that he owed Connor that explanation and that he wasn't going to like this conversation at all. He knew he hadn't been fair at all to Connor but he was still scared of what Connor was going to stay. He forced himself to sit up and forced himself to stare over at Connor, "I know," he said tiredly. It was the only thing he could think of to say.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor was silent a moment as he considered Cutter and then sighed softly. "So.... Helen and Stephen" he said slowly, hesitating slightly after their names "do you still love them?" Connor knew what Cutter had said at the funeral. But he also knew the state of mind he was in. He was hurt and angry at what he had said, but Connor didn't want to react if he had misheard or if Cutter had misspoken. So, Connor sat there and waited to hear what he would say.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter wished he could take it all back, that everything had just been a mistake and that he hadn't meant to say what he did but he didn't want to lie to Connor anymore, he had to tell him the truth. "Yes," he said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, "I still love them," he said miserably, bracing himself for what Connor's reaction was going to be. .
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	And with those words the last thread of hope Connor had been clinging to, the last desperate attempt to convince himself that this wasn't all just pretend, was cut. He didn't react at first and when he finally did it was slow, his voice echoed by the words that resounded in his head. Helen and Stephen's voices were never far away, especially lately when he tried to sleep... and those flashes were more vivid now than ever before. "I see..." ”You know he will always come back to me- Nick loves me and will always love me..." "So, all this time? You've still ha feelings for Helen... and Stephen?" ”You aren't a rebound, you aren’t even sloppy seconds.... Nick is just using you...." "I... I don't understand how... how you can still care... about Helen." ”That look you think Nick has just for you, we both have seen it before. You are nothing special Connor... just another means to an end.... Nick is going to leave you once he gets tired of you…” Connor closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying to quiet those haunting echos as he waited for Cutter to speak.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled and he stared down at his hands, those braces that were the reminders of what Helen had done to him, “I … I don’t know how to explain it … I just … I just do … “ He let out a tired sob, “I’m sorry … I just … I … I’m sorry,” He really couldn’t think through this … the mess of emotions that was in his head, how he was feeling. He was so tired. “I …” he started and stopped, “I … she was my wife …” is your wife… the memory of that truth serum echoed in his head.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"So... Helen and Stephen... were right" Connor said slowly. "You don't think of me the same way. You don't see me the same way you see them." Connor's voice was edge slightly the hurt coming through in his tone, despite trying to stay calm. You will never be good enough for Nick to stay… "Was all of this... us... what we had... was it all a lie, Nick?" Connor looked at Cutter, his eyes dark with the hurt he felt as that question fell from his lips even as he tried to bite it back, terrified of what the response would be.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"No ... that's not true Connor," Cutter trembled, "I love you, more than anything ... I just ..." He stopped, he didn't know what to say, how he couldn't even begin to describe this, "I still love them, He...Helen and Stephen ...I don't ... I don't know ...." Tears began to fall down his cheeks at that, "I don't know how to explain how I feel ... why I still care ...I know I shouldn't ... I ... I can't ... I can't help it ..." he let out a sob. .
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	More than anything. Connor wanted to believe it. He really did but he was just so angry and hurt. The words sounded hollow and empty to him right then and that realization, that he couldn't believe what Cutter was telling him, that was just another icy pain in his chest as he sat there. "Can't help it" he said softly as he gave a cold laugh. "That's a pathetic excuse Nick! You couldn't help lying to me? You couldn't help deceiving me? You couldn't help keep secrets from me? You couldn't help using me?" Connor's voice was getting a little louder with each question and he had to blink back the tears that he felt forming in his eyes. "Can't help it".... "that's not going to cut it, Nick."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter flinched and he could only hang his head as those tears finally did fall. He should never have said anything, this was all a mistake and now he couldn’t take it back … couldn’t take back those awful words, why had he confessed this … he knew this would only hurt Connor and now he’d made him angry and … He just sat there, numbly as the tears fell … “I’m … “ sorry wasn’t going to be enough, he had to try and offer something … why he felt the way he did … “I … “ Still nothing, he didn’t know how he could even fix this … “I never meant to … I didn’t use you, I love you Connor, I really do …” he managed to choke out, “I … I never meant … I …” This was why he didn’t talk about his feelings. Then he didn’t know what else to say and stared down at his hands as those tears started to fall more freely. .
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"But not enough to move on? Not enough to put Helen and Stephen in the past? You can't love me enough to do that?" Connor's voice was trembling as a tear escaped and slid down his face. "I... I tried Nick... I wanted to... to try and understand what you... what you feel about.. them. But you cant even tell me why? I... I don't know how..." Connor's voice trailed off as he closed his eyes and bit his lip against the lump he felt rising in his throat.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled as he sat there, wishing he could say something … to try and explain why he felt all these emotions, why he couldn’t just move on from Helen and Stephen … he had everything he needed right now with Connor … Connor was everything he wanted, why couldn’t he just accept it? All he had to do was say that he could move on but he couldn’t … He kept staring at his hands, not able to meet Connor’s gaze then. “I …” he said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, “I … I just can’t …” he sobbed, “I … I love them and I love you and I … I …” he had to take a deep breath, “and I don’t know how … I don’t know … “ He fell silent again, it was just easier if he didn’t say anything, he was just going to continue to mess this up. Connor was never going to forgive him for this …
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor didn't know how to respond. Part of him wanted to yell and shake Cutter for being an idiot. And part of him wanted just hug him and tell him he was forgiven. Connor wanted to do that... he wished he could do that.... but he knew he couldn't. It hurt too much. He wanted to believe what Cutter was saying but could he? After all this, how could he believe that Cutter loved him? "I..." Connor sighed his mind reeling through half a dozen emotions all in the span of a few seconds as he looked over at Cutter. "I...I'm going to need some time... to... think about this, Nick" he said softly, trying to keep his tone calm though he felt anything but calm just then. "I... want to try... I... I just need some time."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter felt like he was going to be sick as he sat there sobbing, not sure if he was ever going to stop. He could only nod, not trusting himself to speak, , why did he have to say anything? He ruined everything …. “I’m …I’m sorry,” he finally managed to get out. “I’m …I’m so sorry,” He knew it wasn’t enough, it was never going to be enough but it was the only thing he could say right then.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I know.... I am too" Connor said as he stared down at the floor, unable to look at Cutter just then. A few minutes later he stood up and slowly headed towards the door leading out to the patio area of Lester's flat. Connor walked by Cutter as he did and he paused for a moment and put a hand on his shoulder gently. He didn't say anything. There wasn't anything he could say really. And then he continued to walk out the door, closing it behind him.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	At that hand touch, Cutter burst into a fresh wave of tears and curled back up on the couch as Connor began to walk away from him. He wanted to call out, say that he would change, that he would move on but he couldn’t … He just sat there in the couch, sobbing until he had no tears left to cry.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker had been out on patrol for the afternoon, he knew that the funeral had been hard for everyone, Connor and Cutter especially so he had wanted to make himself a little scarce to give them the time that they needed. When he came back to the apartment, he knew something was wrong, Cutter was curled up on the couch sobbing and Connor was outside on the patio. He sighed, maybe he shouldn’t have given them the space …this looked really bad.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor barely clocked when Becker had walked out onto the patio. He felt embarrassed being caught crying but he couldn't bring himself to care much as he weakly wiped the fresh trail of tears away. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Becker walk over. He didn't say anything, just stood and leaned against the railing, much like what Connor was doing. "You alright, Connor?" he asked softly after a few more minutes of silence. "No..." can the simple weak reply.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Yeah.... Becker had thought as much. He stood there beside Connor quietly for a moment. "You want to talk about it?" he asked gently. Connor just gave a weak shrug in reply. Becker nodded as he leaned against the railing and looked out over the perfectly manicured lawn around the flat. "If you want to talk... anytime... you know I'm here for you Connor."
Connor(itsananomaly)	Connor nodded slowly, numbly. He didn't know what he wanted at that moment. He wanted to do and say so many things. Part of him wanted to run back inside, hug Cutter, and tell him it was ok and that he forgave him. The other part of him didn't even want to look at Cutter right then; he was so hurt and angry. "I... I don't understand Nick..." he said softly. "How he... he..." Connor took a slow deep breath, trying to force down the knot in his chest. Connor slowly turned and looked at Becker for the first time since he had come out. His face was wet with tears as he looked at Becker with an almost desperate look. "Nick told me he... he..." Connor fought to say the words out loud. He didn't want to. Speaking them was admitting it was true. But he knew it was true and pretending otherwise wasn't going to change that hurt. "He still has feelings for Helen... and about Stephen. He... he said he still loves them..." Connor whispered miserably as he closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to fall all over again.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Whatever Becker had expected to hear, it certainly wasn't that. He looked at Connor a minute and then turned his gaze back out across the yard as he thought of what in the world he could possibly say to that. "People grieve in different ways," he said finally as he looked out across the way. "Nick... he probably just needs time to process all of this. I know it... it doesn't make it any easier on you. But I know how much Nick cares about you, Connor. ANd I know how much he means to you."
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"But how can I trust him? Anything he says... How do I know he's not keeping things from me again?" Connor felt the tears start to fall again as he tightened his grip on the railing. "I.. I love Nick... more than anything. I.. I want to be with him. I want to help him. I want to get through this, together. But.... how... can I? How am I supposed to just accept this?"
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker put a hand on Connor's shoulder as he turned and looked up at him with tears in his eyes again. Becker sighed softly, wishing there was one magical thing he could say to make it all better for them. But of course there was no such thing. "You don't have to just accept it Connor. You are hurt, understandably so. What you need to try and do is acknowledge it, the reality of what's going on, but there's nothing that says you have to just accept it. It is going to be something you have to work through, both on your own and with Nick." Becker gave Connor's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "And you don't have to do it alone either. The team is here for you, all of us, including me."
Connor(itsananomaly)	Connor sighed as he took in a shuddering breath and looked over at Becker. Then without even thinking he closed that short space between them and leaned his head against Becker's shoulder, arms hanging limply at his side. And the tears started again all over again. "I.. I..." a sob caught in his throat. "How... could he still have feelings for them? He... he wasn't even with Stephen that long? And... and Helen... she... she left him for eight years? I... I can't... how do... do... I..." Connor's voice cracked as he broke down sobbing against Becker's chest.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker put an arm around Connor gently and pulled him closer. He let him cry for a moment, feeling his body tremble as he shook, the sobs still coming unabated. Eventually, Connor started to calm down. Becker still held him close, not knowing what to say just then, knowing that sometimes words weren't what was needed. And eventually, Connor pulled back slightly, sliding the back of his gloved hand across his face, wiping at the tears. "You ok Connor?" Becker asked softly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I... I don't know. I think... I will be. I just... don't know what to do. I love Nick... but I don't know if... if..." Connor took a shaky breath, afraid to actually say those words out loud. "I don't know if... Nick still loves me or not..." he said barely above a whisper. "If he doesn't I... I..." Connor closed his eyes. "I know I should forgive him. Forget this was even said, but... I can't. I cant pretend it doesn't hurt... that Im not angry... But I don't want to hurt Cutter more than he already is." Connor felt terrible about all of this and for reacting the way he did but he couldn't help how he felt and how betrayed he felt.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"I know..." Becker said gently, his arm still around Connor's shoulder. "Nick will come around. This... this has been a lot. For both of you. It's going to take some time to adjust and process everything. You have made such amazing progress, but there's still a lot to do." Becker wished he could be more encouraging with that. "I know after my injury it took me a while to be able to talk to anyone about what had happened, what I felt, how things had changed. And I didn't have someone like Nick there. I was on my own." Becker looked down at Connor and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "You and Nick will figure this out and get through this. I have no doubt about that."
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker put an arm around Connor gently and pulled him closer. He let him cry for a moment, feeling his body tremble as he shook, the sobs still coming unabated. Eventually, Connor started to calm down. Becker still held him close, not knowing what to say just then, knowing that sometimes words weren't what was needed. And eventually, Connor pulled back slightly, sliding the back of his gloved hand across his face, wiping at the tears. "You ok Connor?" Becker asked softly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Do... do you think Nick and I... still have a chance? To make this work? To make things right?" Connor was terrified of what that answer might be. He wanted to be with Nick but... he didn't know if he could. Not with this between them, hanging over their heads, not being talked about.... He didn't know if he could. It was too much to ask him to do.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"The fact you are asking that question to me says you both have a chance to make it work. It's a rough patch, something you two are going to have to work through. It might take a few days or weeks it might take longer. But I know you two love each other, that much cannot be questioned." Becker smiled softly at Connor. He hated how helpless he felt to do anything to really help. "But you and Nick will get through this. I don't have any doubt about that whatsoever" Becker looked at Connor and slipped an arm around his shoulder comfortingly.
Connor(itsananomaly)	"I have to keep fighting... for me... for Nick" Connor said as he sniffed, trying to push down the lump in his throat. "We... we can get through this... it... just...." Connor trailed off not sure what to say. "It will just take time and some effort" Becker said encouragingly. "But I know you both can figure this out." "Thank you Becker... I... I appreciate it. And... sorry about your shirt" Connor said with a lopsided grin as he looked at the tear-stained shirt.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"Nothing a quick wash can't fix, don't worry about it," Becker said with a small laugh. He watched Connor closely for a moment, glad he seemed to be relaxing a bit more. He knew this was going to be a challenge for them. But he also knew that Connor wouldn't give up without a fight and he hoped that Nick still had that same fire inside him somewhere, even after everything. "You gonna be alright? Want to go back inside?"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I...I'll be fine, yeah" Connor said with a small soft smile. "I... I think I'll stay out here a little longer if... that's ok?" Becker nodded and smiled softly in return. "Of course, I'll be out for my patrol later, and if you need me before that, I'll be inside." Connor nodded. "Thank you Becker" he said simply as he watched Becker head back inside and then turned to look back over the yard and the rest of the property, leaning against the railing as he closed his eyes and took a slow deep breath.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Connor had left but he had not gotten up off the couch in that time. Every now and then he would let out a sob but he wasn’t aware of anything …he was just curled up on the couch, unable to move. He wished he had never said anything, this was why he never talked about his feelings.
Becker(thearcfamily)	" Becker had known something was wrong the instant he had gotten back to the house after patroling the grounds for a few hours. And the conversation with Connor had only confirmed just how bad it really was. Becker was in over his head for sure with this. He was a military man, tough love and orders were more his style and that was definitely not what Connor and Cutter needed. But after he had finished talking to Connor and made sure he was as ok as he could be all things considering, Becker headed back inside. He paused for a moment before opening the door, knowing what was likely waiting for him. And sure enough, when he walked in, Cutter was still curled up on the couch. So with a deep breath, Becker walked over and sat down on the couch beside Cutter. At first, he didn't say anything and when Cutter didn't react or respond to him he reached out and put a hand on his trembling shoulder. "Nick... you alright?"
Becker(thearcfamily)	Yeah Becker had gathered that much after talking to Connor. He was feeling completely caught in the middle of things right now... but he wanted to help Cutter and Connor, if he could. He had an idea what was going on from what Connor had told him. Becker knew this was something they were going to have to work through themselves. But they were a team, a family, and family stuck together and helped each other. And that was all Becker wanted to try and do now. "You... want to talk about it? If not it's ok. We can just sit for a bit.. if you'd like." Becker was so out of his element here!
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled, “I …I don’t think talking helps,” he said softly, “I tried and now …I’m pretty sure Connor hates me,” And he knew he deserved it, he didn’t deserve anyone after this.
Becker(thearcfamily)	" Becker knew what that felt like, he had been there before not too long ago himself. He knew that sometimes just not being alone was a huge comfort. He was terrible at this sort of thing but he knew he wasn't going to just let Cutter sit there like this. "I'm pretty sure Connor doesn't hate you, Nick," Becker said simply. "He's hurt... confused... But he doesn't hate you."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter just trembled at that, “I would hate me …and the worst thing is I can’t even tell him why I feel the way I do, he thinks I lied to him and I …I never meant …l…” He stopped, closing his eyes as he tried to steady his breathing, “I never meant to hurt him,” he sobbed.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"Of course you didn't... Connor just needs to process everything. And so do you," Becker said softly. "But you will figure it out. You both will." Becker turned and looked at Cutter then. "And if I may say so, what you two have is strong enough to get through this. It... will just take some time. "
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter let out a sob, “this is all my fault … everything … I’m the reason that Connor’s even hurt right now and I made that worse by saying I still love … I still love … Helen and Stephen, I shouldn’t have said anything,” He closed his eyes, “maybe … maybe I’m just better off alone,” The words were out of his mouth before he had even realised he said them.
Becker(thearcfamily)	"It can feel that way at times" Becker said, trying to choose his words carefully. "I know what it is like, To think you are better off on your own, without anyone else. But that is usually not the case." "You have to decide what to do about those feelings. But I'm pretty sure Connor would be there and willing to help you, Nick. He... he just needs some time to process this. But I know for a fact he still cares about you" he added softly, thinking back to the conversation he had had with Connor a short while ago.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	“I don’t exactly have a good track record with this,” Cutter said softly, “my wife decided that travelling through the anomalies was more preferable to remaining married to me but before she did that she had an affair with my best friend and then I … we tried to make it work and it didn’t and now he’s dead … “ he let out a sob, “then the next woman I loved … she disappeared from the timeline, no one even remembers her anymore except … “ he bit his lip, “Helen and then she went after the man that I love to get back at me, because I … I replaced her, I rejected her …” he stopped, "I wouldn't blame Connor if he didn't want anything to do with me," He shivered, even though he wasn’t cold, “I don’t know how I’m … how I’m supposed to move forward with this, to process this … how can I expect Connor to understand when I don’t even understand myself?”
Becker(thearcfamily)	"It's something you... and Connor both... are going to have to figure out. Work through and figure it out. Cuz if I can be forward enough to say this... I think what the two of you have is worth it." Becker had no idea if what he was saying was helping or not but he at least knew he wasn't just sitting back and letting Cutter and Connor go through this alone.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter took a deep breath, “I … I love Connor, more than anything and I … I don’t know … I don’t want to live without him but I don’t want him to keep getting hurt because of me,” he sobbed, “I’ve caused him enough pain …” He bit his lip as he tried to process his thoughts, “I’m just …I don’t know what to feel anymore, I feel so confused … nothing makes any sense … “ He was tired and everything hurt.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker didn't know what to say to that. Anything he said wouldn't be enough and he knew deep down that this was something Cutter and Connor had to work through themselves. He looked over at Cutter and then without a word reached over and pulled him gently towards and put an arm around his shoulder, much like he had already done with Connor. And without a word he sat there, trying to comfort and support Cutter the best that he could.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled but after a moments hesitation he relaxed in Becker's arm, he fell silent and just sat there, every now and then a sob escaped but sitting there with Becker ... not being expected to say anything or try to explain his feelings. He didn't know what to do about any of this ... how he was supposed to make this up to Connor ... how he could even talk to Connor about this, he knew it was going to take time but he was scared of hurting Connor, of making him even angrier ... maybe ... He started to feel even more tired and soon started to yawn.
Becker(thearcfamily)	Becker sat quietly, holding Cutter, just trying to be there for him and support him however he could. He didn't have the answers and there was nothing he could do to change things one way or the other for them. So, he was there the best that he could be to be there when Cutter and Connor needed him. Becker was glad he had given Connor the spare key to the front door so he could slip in that way whenever he was ready so he didn't have to face Cutter if he didn't want to. As painful as it was for them, at that moment, Connor and Cutter could probably do with a little space as they tried to work through everything. He had no idea what he was going to do about this though, because he was so very much out of his element here!