A Cemetery - London

[itsananomaly]

Cutter had not made his decision about going to Stephen’s funeral until the very last minute and now that he was here, he was sure that this was a mistake. He didn’t remember much of the service, it had been a small crowd who had gathered - mostly the team and those who worked at the ARC. After the funeral he had wandered off, standing by Stephen’s grave and then as he stood there, he started crying softly as he thought about what had changed in the last year …the good parts, the bad parts and now Stephen was dead and he didn’t know how to process that. He thought back to all his memories of Stephen and how they were linked with Claudia… he took out the photo of him and Claudia and stared sadly at it …he started shaking as he sobs got louder. He knew he still had work to do , needed to work through the mess that was his emotions but he wasn’t sure how. He just stood there, sobbing quietly, once the tears had started it seemed he couldn’t stop. [part twenty. CW for npc character death, trauma and grief. Preplayed with the amazing anomaly_research_nerd. NFB but OOC welcome!

Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor had made the decision to attend the funeral a little easier than Cutter had, but he still felt a confusing and complicated mix of emotions. The service was small, simple, yet very much Stephen somehow. When the service was over and most people had left and the team had paid their last respects, it was just Cutter and Connor left, standing there at Stephen's grave. As he watched Cutter standing there, Connor slowly walked over, closing the distance between them and slipped an arm silently around Cutter's trembling shoulders.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter just kept sobbing quietly as he leaned against Connor, holding onto that photo of Claudia, one of only a couple left that he had that proved that she was ever real, he clutched onto it tightly. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, a few more sobs escaping.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor pulled him closer, rubbing his back as he held onto him. He didn't know what to say, he just wanted Cutter to know he was there, he was there for him. "Shhhh..." he said as he pulled Cutter's head closer and wrapped his arms around him.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	And Cutter didn't know what else to say, he felt the crushing guilt that he was responsible for all of this and he was grateful Connor pulled him in closer and he wrapped his arms around Connor, sobbing into his shoulder. "I ..." he started and then stopped, he really couldn't form the words to what he wanted to say, that photo was clutched tightly in his hands and he trembled, he kept crying, "I ... I ..." Finally he stopped and just stood there, hugging Connor tightly as he did, he thought going to the funeral would give him closure but somehow he felt even worse than he had before.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Oh Nick...." Connor said softly as he felt him cling to him like a lifeline. Connor stayed silent otherwise for a while, the tears in his own eyes starting to fall again. He had tried to work through that complicated and painful tangle of emotions... Stephen... Helen... and even Nick. Everything was so connected and tangled together, it was hard to think or remember on without the other.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter just kept sobbing, "I feel so stupid, I thought coming to the funeral ... I thought ... it would make everything go away," he admitted in between his sobs, "but ... he's really gone," He trembled against Connor as his tears kept falling.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Not stupid Nick," he said gently. "It... it will take time. I.. I know you and Stephen were close. It's going to take time... and that's ok. It's ok to grieve, Nick."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"This is all my fault," Cutter trembled, "I ... I should have done more, I could have ... " he closed his eyes as he became overwhelmed by another round of sobs, "it's my fault he died, my fault why he ended up with ... with ..." he still couldn't say her name.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"You can’t blame yourself Nick... everyone could have done something different, made different choices...." Connor sighed taking a deep breath. "We'd all drive ourselves crazy. You made choices, I made choices, Stephen made choices... and what happened, happened."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter just kept sobbing and shaking, "I just ..." and he hesitated, he had no idea how to even describe his feelings for Stephen, "I know that there wouldn't have been anything for Stephen if he had survived, he wouldn't have wanted to go to jail and I ... I know he saved us, I'll always be grateful that he saved us ... I just ... I miss him," he finally admitted, clinging just that little bit more tightly to Connor.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Stephen made the choice he thought was right" Connor said softly. "After everything that happened... it was the only logical choice he saw. It was his choice, no matter how much it hurts" he said slowly, still also trying to figure out exactly what his own feelings were in that regard.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter sniffed, trying to process through his complicated thoughts, "I ... I know, it was Stephen's choice that no one forced him in the end but I just ... I just feel guilty," he admitted, "that if I hadn't pushed him away, maybe ... maybe he wouldn't have gone running back to...to Helen?" he finally whispered. He bit his lip and stared down at the crumpled photo in his hand.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Helen used and manipulated all of us" Connor said after a moment. "She was determined to get her way. No matter who she had to use. Helen..." he hesitated and flinched slightly at saying her name, "she is the one responsible for Stephen's death." But she was also right about you and where you stand with Nick and all the voice he had been trying to ignore echoed once again in his mind and Connor closed his eyes and took a slow shaky breath.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter shivered and closed his eyes at that, “it was Helen’s fault,” he said numbly, wishing he could just believe that …it would be so much easier if he could blame and hate Helen but with the way he was feeling,he couldn’t help it. “It’s what Helen does …she goes after people, breaks them …just so she can get what she wants,” Then why couldn’t he use that logic and reasoning and just admit that Helen was a horrible person …a psychopath? Why did he have to feel like he was still in love with her? “I’m …I’m broken Connor, she broke me,” he wasn’t just referring to his time they had spent in the cells but he didn’t know how else to talk about his feelings.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"She broke all of us, in one way or another..." Connor said, his voice starting to tremble a bit. Lord only knew how broken he felt every time he looked in the mirror, the scars on his neck a constant reminder of the pain and how weak he had been. He knew it was Helen and Helen alone that was responsible but the guilt he felt that he hadn't been able to help Cutter, that he had given Helen information that might have helped her with her plan, that he felt so hollow and empty even now after they were free... Connor didn't know how to even begin to process all of this. All he could do was cling to Nick as his own tears started to fall.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter let out a sob, “I …I’m scared that she’s going to come back, that …I …” he closed his eyes, “that there’ll be more deaths and that I won’t be able to stop her …or worse that I’ll help her …I …I helped her before,” he sobbed, “I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to stop her …I’m weak,”
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"You are no weaker than anyone else, Nick" Connor said softly. "Stephen is gone. And that hurts, I know. But he's gone and we can try to move on... remember... the good times... and..." Connor trailed off as the lump in his throat stopped anything else from coming out.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter kept sobbing, “I …I am weak,” he cried, “I … if I wasn’t …I could just stop …I could just stop …”the confession was on the tip of his tongue, about how he felt about Helen, about Stephen …about Claudia. But he was still too much of a coward to tell Connor about how he felt.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor just stood there, holding onto Cutter. He wanted to say something, to tell him it was going to be alright. That Helen was gone and they were fine. But he couldn't... because he knew that would be a lie and he'd be ignoring his own fears and doubts as well.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter took several deep breaths, trembling, as he tried to control his sobs and then, in a voice that was barely above a whisper, he managed to choke out, "I ...I ...I still love them, that's ... that's why I'm weak, why I'm ... I'm broken, I ... I don't know why I still feel this way, if I can ... if I can stop ... " he took a deep breath, "I'm so sorry," and then he burst into a fresh wave of tears.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Of course you love what you had" Connor said, assuming that was what Nick was trying to say. "You were married to Helen for years. You were best friends and more with Stephen. Of course you miss that... miss that about them." Connor shifted to move his arms around Cutter.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter wished he could just not and say that yes that was what he was trying to say but he couldn't lie to Connor, not about this ... Connor deserved the truth, even if ... even if Connor would hate him for this and not want anything to do with this. "I ... I ... not just what I had," Cutter said miserably, "I ... I still love Helen and Stephen," he decided to just stay with Helen and Stephen rather than talk about Claudia, even though he still had that photo, he just couldn't bring himself to talk about her, he trembled, "even after what they did ... I ... I can't ... I can't ... I hate them for what they did but ... I ... I still love them, I ... I ..." he couldn't finish the rest of what he was trying to say and just tensed as he waited to hear what Connor had to stay.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Whatever Connor had been expecting to hear, it wasn't that. It definitely was not a confession of not only love for Stpehen which he could kinda maybe understand in a way....but also a confession of love for Helen? That hit him like a punch to the gut and everything seemed to slow down for a moment as that confession echoed in his hears, bringing up all those doubts and fears that has been bubbling inside him. "I... I know... I know Nick" he said softly barely above a whisper.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"I'm so, so sorry," Cutter whispered as he kept sobbing, "and ... and ..." he took a deep breath, "Claudia ... I ... I still love her," he couldn't explain any of it, he knew how wrong this was ... to be telling the man he loved hat he was still in love with his ex's and a woman who literally disappeared off the face of the earth ... "I ... oh god ... how did I get so screwed up?" he sobbed.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor didn't know what to say to that. The words echoed in his head mixing with the words Helen had taken such delight in telling him, reminding him what he was... how Nick felt... who Nick really loved. Connor had tried to ignore it, push it down, waiting for it to fade... but now, with Nick basically confirming, at least partly, what Helen had said was true. And Connor couldn't help but wonder how much else she had said was actually true... and what else Nick was keeping from him.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Connor not saying anything made it feel all the more worse, that he had really screwed it up …he really wished that Connor would scream or shout or even slap him for this …it wouldn’t even come close to being what he deserved. He stood there crying and clinging tightly to Connor, desperately wishing Connor would say something but at the same time …he was afraid.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	t took a minute before Connor trusted himself to say something. And even then, it was soft and slow to come out. "We... we can deal with it... we can talk... later. Ok Nick? We... don't have to talk about it right now." Connor still held Cutter close, arms around him, but now tears of his own were falling as he felt that lump grow in his throat and the rock in his stomach seemed to grow instantly. Was everything Helen had said true? Did he really mean that little to Nick? Was all of this just his wishful thinking? Those questions and a million others bubbled to the surface as he stood there, holding Cutter.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter could only nod miserably against Connor’s shoulder, “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed again, it was going to be the only thing he could say but he knew that nothing could ever make up for this.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I'm sorry too, Nick..." Connor said softly as he looked over Cutter's shoulder to the fresh mound of dirt in front of them his mind running with flashes and images of Stephen and the tears started to fall even harder.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter kept sobbing for a few more moments and then he quietened, “I …there’s something I need to do,” he said softly as he reluctantly stepped back from Connor and he clutched onto Claudia’s photo with trembling hands.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor let his arms fall to his side as he watched Cutter. He didn't say anything. He really didn't know what to say just then. He stood and watched Cutter.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter let out a sob and then with trembling fingers, he carefully tore up that photo …he let the pieces fall to Stephen’s grave, he shook as he said a silent goodbye to Claudia, he knew he should do the same for Stephen and Helen but he just couldn’t …not then.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor watched as Cutter ripped up the photo, the pieces fluttering to the ground. He didn't say anything and for a moment, he just stood there watching. Eventually, he stepped closer and reached out to put a hand on Cutter's shoulder, words still escaping him in that moment.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled when he felt Connor’s hand on his shoulder and after a moments hesitation, he reached his hand over to place it on top of Connor’s, grateful that he was still there that he hadn’t simply walked away. He wouldn’t have blamed Connor if he had, he stood and watched those pieces of that part of his life scatter on the ground, they hadn’t flown away yet but they would and then there was one less photo that was proof that Claudia Brown ever existed.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor gave a small squeeze as he pulled Cutter back towards him, slowly turning him around as he slipped an arm around his shoulder. "Come on Nick... let's get back" he said softly as he took a few slow steps away from Stephen's grave, hoping Cutter would follow without too much of a struggle.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter could only nod and very slowly followed Connor away from Stephen’s grave, he couldn’t bring himself to look back at the grave …where the remains of Claudia’s photo was. He just numbly followed Connor, it was the only thing he could do. .
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Slowly Connor guided Cutter back to the car that was waiting for them to take them back to Lester's. Connor didn't say anything as he helped Cutter into the car and slid into the seat beside him. They drove off, Connor staring down at his hands as he felt Cutter leaning against his shoulder. Connor still didn't say anything. He could barely breathe from the lump in his throat as the tears started to fall quietly. And by the time they got back to Lester's the tears had finally stopped and dried up- for now.