A Private Hospital - London

[itsananomaly]

It was getting closer to the end of their second week at hospital and Cutter's feeling of restless from yesterday had crept back, the talk yesterday with Becker had helped but he was tired of being in the hospital and he was ready to leave, no one had mentioned anything to them yet about when they could go home but Cutter was hoping that it was soon. He picked up his trilobites magazine and read a few more pages, trying to stay put in bed but he finding it hard to stay still. [part seventeen. CW for medical trauma, injury and emotional recovery. Also includes CW for sexual assault. Preplayed once again with the amazing anomaly_research_nerd. NFB but OOC welcome!]

Connor(itsananomaly)	Connor was lying in the bed asleep still, curled up as close as he could get to Cutter, arm draped over him lightly as if he was afraid to let him go as he slept. The last few days had been rough, both mentally with other counseling sessions and talks with Becker and Lester and also physically with the daily physio and physical therapy sessions. Connor was feeling more and more run down yet as having trouble sleeping for more than a few hours at a time.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Every now and then Cutter would stop reading his magazine and smile softly at Connor sleeping curled up beside him, he carefully ran a bandaged hand through Connor's hair, he was starting to get some strength back in his hands now after his physio sessions but he still had a long way to go but he did miss being able to do simple things like being able to run his hand through his boyfriends hair. He snuggled in close to Connor, so that Connor could feel that he was still there and that he hadn’t gotten up and left like he had last night.
Cutter(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor slowly started to stir, as hard as he tried to fight it. He opened his eyes and looked up at Cutter and gave a small smile. "You're still here" he said sleepily, not meaning to vocalize that fear that still nagged at the back of his mind. He gave a yawn as he stretched and shifted closer not quite ready to stop snuggling his boyfriend while he was still able to. "Has Lester been by yet? He... said he had something he needed to talk to us about."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	And Cutter couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt at that but not for the same reasons that Connor was thinking of, he had kept leaving Connor alone in the hospital bed and last night was no exception. “I’m, I’m sorry about last night,” he said softly and then shook his head, “Lester hasn’t been by yet .. did … do you know why he wanted to see us?” he asked, a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"No... I don’t. But it seemed like it was something important he wanted to talk about." Connor looked up at Cutter with a hopeful smile. "Do... you... you think they might let us go home finally?"
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter was trying hard to not get his hopes up, he knew the progress they had been making the last two weeks were good but were they good enough to get out of the hospital. "I don't know," he admitted, running his fingers through Connor's hair again, "I hope so, I know I'm looking forward to getting out of here, being able to return to Fandom, how long has it been now since we left?"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor winced a little at that thought. "A month nearly?I think.... I... I wonder if I even have a job to go back to at those point..." He would need to try and get in touch with someone if he could. "But still, getting back to Fandom... back home... with you... that would be perfect."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	“Oh we’ve missed the start of the new semester,” Cutter realised, “I submitted a class proposal before I left but I didn’t …” his voice trailed off, “I thought we’d be back,” he snuggled in close to Connor “ but it would be perfect, going back home to Fandom with you, away from …this,” he said ,looking around the hospital room.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Aye... Getting back home... Whatever that looks like now... That would be Amazing. I...I want to get back home with you." Connor said softly. "I want thing to get back to normal." He knew there would be no such thing as normal for them now, but as close as they could get would be good enough. "I... I wonder what it is Lester needs to tell us...."
Lester(thearcfamily)	Cutter was about to say something when Lester walked in just then, yesterday had been a hard day for Nick and Connor and he was pleased to see them both up and alert, even though he wasn’t sure how he was going to start the conversation that they were going to have now, “good morning,” he said instead, “did Connor tell you I need to talk to both of you?” Cutter nodded. Lester sighed and continued, “i want to talk to you about your post hospital recovery and what the plans are….” he hesitated as he looked down, avoiding Nick’s gaze, “um …the hospital are very happy with Connor’s progress, they want him to be released to tomorrow …I’m afraid they want to keep you in for longer Nick,” Cutter’s heart sank, “oh,” he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to process that he was going to be left alone, that Connor would be going home ….which was good for Connor but he didn’t want to think of being in hospital without Connor.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor felt his heart jump with joy and immediately fall into his stomach. He looked from Lester to Cutter and shook his head as he sat there, his arm going almost subconsciously around his boyfriend. "N-No. I'm... I'm not going without Nick. They.. they can't make me leave him, can they?" Connor looked from Cutter to Lester. "Please... Lester," he pleaded, his voice soft. "I-I can't leave Nick."
Lester(thearcfamily)	Cutter leaned weakly against Connor’s embrace, he had really thought they’d be able to leave hospital together. He had messed things up yesterday, “is …is this because of yesterday?” Lester hesitated, “some of it and they’re also concerned at how your physical recovery seems to be taking longer,” he had been afraid of this reaction, “I …I do have an alternative proposal if you’re interested,” he looked over at Connor.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor looked over at Lester and nodded. He didn't know what other option there could be... but he would be willing to stay in the hospital, and not go home, if it meant he didn't have to leave Cutter alone. "What... what's the other option?" he asked softly.
Lester(thearcfamily)	“That you’re both released into my care and you’ll stay with me for two weeks, you will still need additional follow up therapy and physio, every day but you wouldn’t have to stay in hospital,” Cutter looked up at Lester then, surprised, “You …you’d really do that for us?” he said quietly, trembling slightly against Connor as he did.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	It took a minute for Connor to fully process what Lester was saying, what he was actually offering. "That... it would... " he just kinda stared at Lester for a minute, as surprised as Cuter was. "You would really do all that... for us?"
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester nodded, "I was against the idea of you being separated, especially at this crucial time in your recovery, I've noticed that you help each other through this and if Nick's left alone with you Connor ..." his voice trailed off at that since both Connor and Nick knew all too well what the really bad days were like, "but I would be willing for you to stay with me, to continue providing that support as you prepare for returning to Fandom or to the ARC, whichever you decide is best for you mentally and physically I'll support it," A lump formed in Cutter's throat, "I ... I would like that, thank you James," he said softly, hardly daring to believe that he would be leaving the hospital after all, "thank you," he said again.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"I... I would really like that too..." Connor said, finally processing all that. "I'd like it a lot... Thank you, Lester" he said a grin spreading over his face as he felt his eyes start to fill with tears of relief.
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester smiled softly at that, "you're welcome, than I'll make arrangements for you to be discharged from hospital, the hospital does want you to have one more therapy session and one more physio session before you leave and you begin your outpatient care but I'll discuss your schedules with you when your discharged," He hesitated, "there is another matter that I needed to discuss with you, it's ... a rather unpleasant one I'm afraid," he said softly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	That didn't sound very good.... Connor looked at Lester and bit his lip, trying to push down the lump he felt rising up inside. He gave a small nod for Lester to go ahead. He didn't quite trust himself to say anything at that point
Lester(thearcfamily)	Cutter nodded as well, feeling his body tense up at that, he wasn't sure he could handle even more bad news right now. "I don't know the best way to explain this but it's concerns Step...Mr. Hart's funeral," Lester said softly, "I understand this is a complicated and very emotional subject for the two of you but we wanted to wait until you were well enough to begin to process the idea of having a funeral for Mr. Hart, we ... the team is going to have a small one, a week from now but both of you are under no obligations to attend," Cutter stiffened at that, he had been trying not to think about Stephen and everything that had happened but a funeral was so final and he wasn't sure he could handle that, "I ... I thought you would have already had one," he said quietly, not being able to meet Connor or Lester's eyes.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor stared at his hands for a moment. He knew what all Stephen had done to him... to Cutter. But he also knew so much of that was because of Helen. It didn't justify what he had done... But Connor also knew he didn't want the memory he had of Stephen to be totally tainted by that. "I... I think... I'd like to be there" he said softly, not sure if Cutter could ever understand that.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter tried to keep his emotions steady, staring down at his hands and closed his eyes as Connor said that he'd like to be there, he ... he did understand, why Connor would go ... if it was anything like the process that he was going through in his mind. "I ..." he started and stopped, "I ... " He wished he could just immediately say that he wanted to go to the funeral, to be there for Connor but the thought of saying goodbye to Stephen terrified him and he wasn't sure if he would be ready, "I ... I don't know," he finally said, "I think ... I need to think on it," And he hated how weak that made him feel.
Lester(thearcfamily)	Lester nodded, he knew this would be difficult for Connor and Cutter to process but he wanted them to know that the option was there, that they could choose to attend the funeral if they'd like. "Very well," he said softly, "we're finalising arrangements now," he decided to not mention that there was no body to be able to bury, that wasn't something that Connor and Cutter needed to know, "and if you decide to come Nick, you're more than welcome to, we'll support both you and Connor in this,"
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded slowly at that and reached his hand over and took Cutter's hand in his gently. He knew this was hard for him also and while he couldn't say he would be able to not go to the funeral to help Cutter deal with all this, he did want him to know he was there for him. "Thank you... Lester" he said softly. There was still so much conflicting feelings... among them that resurgence of guilt that he couldn't stop Stephen, and that in his final moments, he had looked away, and he hated himself for that.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled as Connor took his hand and he leaned against him, unable to say anything … he hoped Lester would understand, after everything that Lester had arranged with taking care of them and making sure that they could leave the hospital together, he was tired and processing Stephen’s death and funeral wasn’t something that he wanted to focus on just then. Lester nodded as he watched Cutter retreat into himself as a way to cope with Stephen’s death, “you’re welcome, I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave now but Captain Becker will be on shift soon and Jenny is coming to take over from me, they’ll be there if you need anything,” he told them.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor held Cutter gently as he leaned into him, his hand lightly rubbing his back. He didn't know what to say... he knew there was nothing he could say, really. He looked over at Lester and gave a small nod when he had finished. "Thank you, Lester... for... for everything," he said simply, hating how much his voice cracked just then. "We... we really appreciate it."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Lester nodded, watching Cutter with concern as he leaned against Connor trembling, not saying anything or moving, "you're welcome Connor, if you need anything else let Jenny or Captain Becker know and they will tell me," with one final nod at them, he left them alone. Once Lester was gone, Cutter trembled, tears slowly falling onto Connor's shirt, "I'm sorry," he sobbed.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor wrapped his arms around Cutter and held him close. "Nothing to be sorry about, Nick...." he whispered as he leaned his head against Cutter's and held him close. It didn't take long for his own tears to start to fall as those waves of emotions started washing over him all over again. How long he sat there, holding Cutter close he didn't know but it felt like forever as the waves of anger, hurt, sadness, fear, and guilt washed over him again and again.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter sat there crying into Connor's shoulder as he held onto him, all those emotions that he had kept hidden to stop him thinking about Stephen, that Stephen had died ... it was all real. He went numb, as he sat there sobbing ... he couldn't process it, he just wanted to bury those feelings that had surfaced and now that those floodgates had opened, everything was bubbling to the surface. He couldn't say anything, he just sat there, clinging to Connor and sobbing.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor didn't know what to say or what to do other than just hold Cutter close, letting him know he wasn't alone. His own tears slowly fell as he sat there trying to process everything himself.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter kept sobbing quietly, he didn't know how long he kept crying but slowly but surely he found himself getting tired and then his sobs quietened before he began to start to drift off to sleep.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor held him close, slowly shifting position so they were laying back in the bed. He watched Cutter fall asleep as he held him close trying to comfort him as he did. He didn't know what was going to happen but whatever it was, Connor was going to try to be there for Cutter, as much as he could.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter had fallen into an uneasy sleep, his mind drifting and soon it found itself in that all too familiar cell. He dreamed of that second day in the cell, when he had been separated from Connor and Stephen and Helen were there, taunting him …only this time … Stephen had forcibly removed his clothes, pushed him to the ground … he tried to get free but Stephen was too strong … he was on top of him, he couldn’t free himself, he tried screaming but then it was Stephen who was holding him under that bucket of water. He couldn’t breath, he was drowning … His body began to thrash, he started to cry out, “no … Stephen stop, please!” but he was still asleep.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor was used to restless periods during the night. And as he usually did he reached a hand out in his sleep to find Cutter and to try and let me know he was ok that he was there with him still. With a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder he gently rubbed, hoping it would shake him enough from his sleep. But as Cutter continued to thrash and then started crying out in his sleep, Connor was awake. "Nick... Nick, wake up... It's just a dream..." he said as he rubbed his shoulder a little harder, trying to rouse him.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter kept crying, shaking as he pleaded for Stephen to stop, he was gulping for air but he couldn’t wake up, he was trapped … Stephen had trapped him and he was going to … He flinched subconsciously at that hand rub, he still thought he was in that cell with Stephen holding him down … He tried to get away but he was starting to get rather close to the edge of the bed …
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Nick... Nick it's me... Connor..." he pleaded and as he looked over and met Becker's gaze, he was already on his way over, the concern on his face. Becker walked over to the bed to make sure Cutter didn't end up thrashing his way off the bed. "Hey... Nick. You need to wake up." Becker said as he tried to get Cutter to wake up. Connor watched as he thrashed and cried out. It was killing him seeing his boyfriend like this and he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Nick... I'm right here. You're safe. Stephen isn't here... You're alright..." he said as he placed another kiss into Cutter's hair.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Somewhere in between his gulping and pleading, Cutter thought he could hear voices but he was still trapped in that nightmare, he thrashed violently, trying to get free, to get away from Stephen, from Helen but now Helen was holding him down as well and he was back in that bucket of water and he was trying to struggle and get away. “Stop please,” he begged, spluttering and coughing as he tried so desperately to get free, he was crying now … he just wanted to go home … he wanted to be with Connor, “Connor please! Help!” he called out.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor was starting to panic a little now. It had never taken this long for Cutter to come out of a nightmare before. "Nick... I'm right here. Please wake up" he said a bit louder as he put a hand on his shoulder again. Becker mirrored the move as they tried to rouse Cutter from the nightmare. "Nick. I love you. I'm right here. Please wake up."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	There was more gasping and struggling but it seemed to be losing intensity and then a few moments later Cutter’s eyes were open, glassy and terrified as he came out of the nightmare, Then he saw Connor and Becker, who both had a hand on either shoulder and then he started crying. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"Oh Nick... " Connor said as he shifted closer and started to reach a hand out to wrap around Cutter slowly. He didn't know if he would let him just yet, but h wanted Cutter to know he was there and that he was safe. "You have nothing to be sorry about... it was a nightmare. You're fine.., I'm right here."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled as he half sank in Connor’s arms and kept crying, it took him several attempts to remember how to breath again ….all he could feel was that water, Stephen drowning him … He just kept crying, “it felt so real,” he sobbed.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"It's ok Nick... you're safe... I got you, and Becker is here" Connor said as he gently rubbed Cutter's back. "Helen and Stephen aren't here.. you are safe." Becker gently squeezed the shoulder his hand was resting on as well. "If you want, I will go and do an extra patrol to make sure is that would make you feel better, Nick?" he offered gently.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter could only nod in between his sobs, “please,” he had to remember how to breathe normally, his breaths were sharp and jagged and it hurt to breathe… Maybe this was all a trick and he was still back in the cell? He couldn’t stop shaking, “feel so stupid,” he mumbled.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"You are not stupid Nick..." Connor said as he held his boyfriend close. "not at all." Becker gave Cutter a small nod and then gave a slightly concerned look to Connor. "I'll be back soon, won't take long" he said then shifted his focus back to Cutter. "I'll be back with that patrol report shortly Nick." And with that he left, leaving Nick and Connor there in the room, one of his men stationed outside the door while he made a quick round of the floor.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter nodded as Becker told him he was going, he leaned against Connor’s shoulder and kept sobbing. “I …I…” he hiccuped, “it …I thought …Stephen…he…” He couldn’t bring himself to say what Stephen tried to do, he felt ashamed and he leaned weekly against Connor.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"It's alright Nick.... Stephen isn’t here. He can't hurt you anymore..." Connor said as he held Cutter close. Some time passed as he sat there quietly before Connor spoke again. "If you want to talk I'm here... and if you don't want to talk, I am still here... I am not going anywhere Nick. You are gong to be ok" he whispered as he leaned closer and places a soft kiss on the top of Cutter's head.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter kept leaning against Connor, he had stopped but there were still tears in his eyes, “I …thank you,” he said quietly, he hesitated, “it …the worst thing it wasn’t Stephen who did those things to me,” he trembled, “it …it was Helen but I …why did I dream it was Stephen …it doesn’t make sense,”
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"The mind is a weird thing" Connor said softly, rubbing Cutter's back slightly. "Mashes truth and fiction, twists reality, makes things up..." Connor hesitated a moment before he spoke, wanting to help Cutter understand maybe why he had dreamt of Stephen, but he didn't want to dredge up the bad memories more than they already were. "It was probably because... we... were talking about the funeral" he said softly, pulling Cutter closer into a firm, protective hug.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter felt comforted by that back rub as he focused on getting his breathing under control, he was grateful for that hug as he leaned against Connor, the tears threatening to spill over again. "I ... " he started to say and stopped, he couldn't think of how to put into words just what he was feeling about Stephen right then - how much he loved him still, how much he hated him and he couldn't even bring himself to say that he was going to go to his funeral so he could grieve and say goodbye to his memory of Stephen. "He ..." Cutter closed his eyes, he tried to find a way to mention what Stephen had said, that second day in the cell, that threat that he was never going to be able to forget ... "he ... " He closed his eyes as he tried to find a way to put into words what he was feeling, "I think ... talking about everything may also have brought up some of those memories," he said softly, "that I ... " he couldn't think of what else to say, his voice trailing off awkwardly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor nodded as he started to say something then stopped. There was no point in bringing up his own nightmares and restless nights. It would do anything to help Cutter right now, so he kept it to himself. "Stephen said and did a lot of things... and I... I know you and him were good friends at one point, that... you tried to make things work between you both." Connor bit his lip as he tried to sort through his own jumbled and tangled feelings. "You... you can't just erase those memories... and the last few weeks, they... they have taken their toll Nick. You can't be too hard on yourself..." Connor said softly, while simultaneously pushing back his own feelings and fears because he wanted to be there for Nick.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"It would be so much easier if I could just hate him," Cutter said quietly, recalling back to his conversation with Becker when he had pretty much used the same line to describe his feelings for Helen, but Cutter didn't want to mention that just yet ... that was a whole other conversation that he was reasonably sure that neither he or Connor were ready for, "I should just hate him ... what he did to you, to me ... and I do, I do hate him but I still remember all those good memories, the times we had together ..." He let out another sob, "this whole thing is messed up ..." He closed his eyes, "Stephen ...I tried ... I tried to bargain for your release again that second day, told them they could do anything they wanted to me if they let you go ..." he took a deep breath, "I ...I ...Stephen ..." he shivered, "he didn't do anything but his intentions were clear, what he wanted to do ..." he bit his lip as the tears started to build again, "I'm ... I'm sorry," he couldn't continue.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor felt that mix of anger and sadness welling up inside of him again. "I know Nick... its', it's not going to be easy, for either of us. There's a lot tied up in all this and I... I can't begin to imagine what it is like for you." Connor bit his lip and took a slow deep breath. "If I hadn't gotten involved, if I wasn't the one pushing to be with you... this likely wouldn't have happened. Stephen reacted the way he did because of me... because I took his place. If... if I hadn't then you wouldn't have been hurt so badly." Connor held Cutter close. "I... I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Nick."
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled as he sobbed quietly, “it’s not your fault, Helen … Helen doesn’t handle rejection well, I knew that and I put you in this danger that day after the Mammoth …” that felt like a lifetime ago now, that day on the freeway, “when I told her and Stephen how happy you make me and Stephen's always been jealous ...of Helen and me, when we weren't together ... I … I don’t regret telling them that I love you but I’m sorry … I’m so sorry that I put you in this danger, this is is my fault … taking you to the warehouse that day … I know I have a lot of things to work through but I don’t regret us, I’ll never regret us …” he said softly, “I love you so much Connor,” he leaned against him.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"You can’t hold all the blame for this Nick.. Helen and Stephen did what they did for their own deluded reasons. I also have to take responsibility for things..." Connor said softly. "I chose to follow you to he warehouse, I'm the one who tracked Caroline's phone, I'm the one who said to keep searching when you wanted to go back and get backup, I'm the one who rejected Helen's offer when she said i could go free and walkway and go back to Fandom if I would just leave you. But I didn't. And I won't. Because I love you Nick. I always will." Connor tighter his hold on Cutter and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	Cutter trembled and then focused on one part of what Connor was saying in particular, "you rejected Helen's offer to be free?" this was news to him and so many emotions were surging through right then, "you ... you stayed," he curled up against him, "you ... you could have gotten out," he whispered, "I ... " He didn't know what to say to that, "I'm ... you stayed for me, I ... " his voice trailed off, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry she put you in that position, I'm ... thank you for ... for staying, I ... for being there when we got out together," he knew he wasn't making much sense at this point but he was tired and everything was pouring out, "I can never make it up to you, for what she did ... what Stephen did but I'm ... I'm going to try, I'm always going to try ..." he said softly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	"shhh... it was an easy choice to make Nick" Connor said as he rubbed his back gently and pulled him as close as possible. "I will always choose you. I love you Nick. I am here for you... I'm not going anywhere," Connor promised. Just then, the door to the room opened and Becker poked his head back in. He gave Connor a questioning look and then relaxed a little when he saw the small nod. "Everything is secure, Nick. You have nothing to worry about" he said with a small smile."I will be at my post outside if you need me." "Thank you Becker," Connor said with a sincere smile. He then wrapped his arms around Cutter and held him close and slowly shifted so he was laying back against the pillows a little bit more, keeping Cutter as close as he could.
Cutter(itsananomaly)	"Thank you," Cutter said softly to Becker, feeling a lot safer, even though he knew that it was only in his mind that he was terrified of the possibility that Helen could be there ... he had to remember that Stephen was dead, it wasn't possible for him to come for them now. He stayed in Connor's embrace, shifting slightly as Connor leaned back. He let out a yawn, as he started to feel sleepy again, emotionally drained from the nightmare, "I love you too Connor," he mumbled softly.
Connor(anomaly_research_nerd)	Connor lay there, gently running his fingers through Cutter's hair, his other arm wrapped around him as he curled up against him. Connor stayed awake for some time, watching Cutter drift off to sleep. He held him close, guarding him, protecting him, watching him carefully. He had already failed Cutter several times, he was not going to let that happen again.