itsananomaly | MHA #16 - Saturday Afternoon

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MHA #16 - Saturday Afternoon

The last several hours had been a lot with Captain Ryan turning up and he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it but talking to Ryan had helped.

After a while, Ryan had taken one look at Cutter’s kitchen and had decided to go into town to fully stock up and he had said he was going to cook Cutter a home cooked meal. His old apartment may have been a mess but the one thing he did know outside of the military was how to cook. So taking Lester’s credit card, which Cutter was honestly still surprised that he hadn’t been cut off from after Becker’s birthday trip. Maybe James was waiting til he was back at the ARC before he started yelling about that trip.

Cutter was not expecting any other visitors, he had thought that maybe Stephen would visit but so far there seemed to be no sign of him so he took that to mean that only Ryan was his visitor. Which was fine, really, it was probably for the best if he didn’t have a visit from Stephen, there were a lot of unresolved issues and the visit would have just been really awkward.

In the meantime, as he waited for Ryan to come back, he decided to start thinking about his future at the ARC, he had promised Ryan he would give it serious thought and he knew that whatever decision he made he would need to talk to Connor about it but he could start to seriously consider whether or not he wanted to return to the ARC in an official capacity either as the team leader or a research assistant.

{for a visitor but can be open!]

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Sorry for the interruption there Cutter, but with Tom back at Connor's flat, Stephen figured it was as good a time as any to finally bite that bullet so to speak, and visit the man across the hall.

As uncertain as he had been about seeing Connor after everything, Stephen was absolutely terrified in a way about seeing Cutter again. Connor had said Cutter would likely be ok seeing him, once he knew what version of their Stephen he was... and that was still bloody weird to even think about!

So with a slow, deep breath, Stephen reached out and knocked on the door.

Ryan had only been gone for a little while so Cutter didn't think he would be back so soon, so he curiously went to the door. He wondered if it was Connor and he opened the door without checking, if he had checked there was a reasonable chance he wouldn't have opened the door.

He stood in the doorway, finding himself face to face with Stephen.

He should have expected this, after all he had been dreaming of Stephen the last couple of days too but now that he was here, all of those memories from a few months ago ... the affair ... everything ... came babbling to the surface and all he could do was stare at Stephen, trying to process that he was actually there.

"Stephen?" he said softly, not quite comprehending what he was seeing.

"Hey Nick... it... it's good to see you again." Stephen stood with his eyes cast down, only glancing up at Cutter now and then. "It's been a while hasn't it?" And Stephen stood there fighting every urge to just turn around and run and forget this crazy idea.

It took a moment for Cutter to say anything, he trembled a little as he took deep breaths, “it has been,” he agreed, “um…did you want to come in?” he figured it would be a good idea to not have a conversation in the doorway, “um..,do you remember Captain Ryan? He’s here …well not here at the moment, he took one look at the state of my kitchen and went to get supplies,” he admitted.

"Cpatian Ryan? Yeah course I remember him. Guess Im not the only one getting this special gifts..." Stephen looked at Cutter and then tried to smile but couldn't look at his old friend in the eyes and dropped his eyes.

"Yeah thanks... That... that would be... nice" Stephen said awkwardly as he forced himself forward towards the flat. "I... I wont stay long" he said, not wanting to make things any harder on Nick. "I... I just wanted to... to come see ya. Connor said you were here... and I...." Stephen rubbed the back of his head and trailed off there.

Edited 2023-07-08 20:21 (UTC)

Cutter shifted as he stepped back to let Stephen in for a moment he couldn’t process that Stephen had been to see Connor first and then he tilted his head as he made the connection, “oh …you…you’re Connor’s Stephen,”

Which didn’t really make the conversation any less awkward, he just stared at Stephen.

“Um…would you like me to get you anything? I’ve got beers in the fridge,” it had been about the only thing he had there aside from the leftovers of Connor’s pizza. “Or um I have some pizza if you’re hungry?”

"A beer would be great" Stephen said softly as he walked in. He looked at Cutter and gave a small sigh and a laugh as he shook his head.

"Does that whole, different timeline and realities thing ever get any easier? My brain just can't seem to get wrapped around it" he admitted, still not hundred percent sure what the difference between "Connor's Stephen" and "Nick's Stephen" was. "Connor tried to explain it... I think it's just beyond me."

Cutter smiled softly at that as he went to the kitchen and got out a couple of beers and handed one to Stephen, "it doesn't really get any easier, especially when Connor has met my Connor, it can get a little confusing trying to explain everything." he admitted, "I know when I first moved here, I just thought he was the Connor from my timeline, it took a while before I could grasp the concept that there was another Connor and a whole different reality,"

Stephen took the beer gratefully and took a swig before he spoke, considering Cutter closely.

"It... it good to see you again Nick, as crazy as all this is... I-I never got the chance to say that... that I'm sorry for... for what happened... with Helen and... with us."

Stephen dropped his gaze as he spoke, the guilt and shame over everything he had done to hurt Cutter came rushing back to the surface- the affair with Helen, turning his back on what he and Cutter had once had, how everything ended.... there was so much he regretted and so much he knew he could never make amends for.

Cutter bit his lip as he absorbed Stephen's apology ... after he had found out, he and Stephen had never really talked about it. They'd mentioned it a couple of times and then Cutter had pretended to ignore it, ignoring his feelings had been safer and it was only now after weeks of therapy, that he was finding out just how wrong he'd been to push it aside like nothing had happened.

There was a lot to unpack in that, he took a deep breath, "what happened with Helen ... it should never have been like that," he said softly, trying to choose his words carefully, Dr. Taylor had been working with him on the subject of the affair and had helped him see that Stephen had been just as badly hurt by Helen in this than he had been.

"Helen ... she should never have gone after you like that, you were her student ... she manipulated you and I can now understand that she hurt you just as badly as she hurt me. I ... I ... " he took a deep breath, he had said these words in therapy many times but now that he had the chance to say them, he was still scared to, "I ... I forgive you Stephen,"

Stephen had expected the door to be slammed in his face, so the fact he and Cutter were talking was already progress in his mind. And then to find that Cutter was actually willing to forgive him and to try and talk about things... well, it took a moment or two for Stephen to process that.

"I... I know I hurt you Nick. I let the team down by letting Helen get to me." Stephen sighed as he shook his head. "I was so convinced, I so wanted to believe that we could figure the anomalies out... together. The three of us. Helen was right, the secrecy was getting people like Valerie killed, but you were right also that letting the anomalies be know before we understood them would have caused chaos. I was the fool and I let my own stubbornness... and my pride... get in the way. I am sorry Nick."

"It's what Helen does," Cutter said softly, "she takes what is good and then twists it for her own selfish purposes, I ... I know I should have been more understanding, when you tried to voice your concerns to me, I was a terrible team leader," he said softly, "I paid the price for that ..." he stared down at his hands, they were gloved but he couldn't help the flinch that came as he stared at them, "I'm sorry that I brushed you off ... that I punched you that day when you were tried to make me understand your feelings,"

"Eh I kinda deserved it" Stephen said, rubbing his jaw as if it still stung a little as he thought about that encounter. "It was a crap move on my part... throwing the affair in your face like that. Was kinda asking for it, really. I... I never wanted to hurt you Nick. I know I was crap at showing it then... and I'm no better now seeing as Im dead and all... but, I... I did, and do, care about you."

"I ... I care about you to, I will always care about you," Cutter said softly, trying not to think about his conversation with Connor that had pretty much resulted in him ending things and trying to push Connor away thinking that that what was best. He had been slowly coming around to working through his feelings about his past relationships but it was still a lot of work.

"I...I'm sorry that things ended the way they did," he said finally, "I ... never wanted to hurt you either,"

"You got a good life here Nick, you got a good thing here. I... I am glad. You deserve to be happy" Stephen said softly as he sat on the couch and stared down at the beer bottle in his hand. And those were not tears he was blinking away, don't be silly. "That makes it all worth it..."

"You deserved that chance to be happy to Stephen," Cutter said softly as he started to blink away tears of his own, "I'm ... I'm sorry that you didn't,"

"Well, you and Connor lived on... so in a way I kinda did. It's taken till now for me to see what came of it." And he wouldn't say it out loud cuz he didn't want to dwell on it and he figured Cutter would just beat himself up over it. But it was nice to see what his sacrifice had allowed and that it was worth it- Nick and Connor had survived... that was what mattered.

And before Cutter realised what he was doing he found himself wrapping his arms around Stephen in a tight hug, "I'm glad you were able to come and visit," he said softly, "I've missed you Stephen,"

Yes it wasn't his Stephen but there were many aspects of Stephen that reminded him of his own and being able to talk things through had really helped.

Stephen blinked and froze for a moment in surprise at the sudden hug. Then he smiled and returned the hug, gently rubbing Cutter's back as he did. "I've missed you too, Nick. I always worried about what happened after... and it's good to know you are ok. It's nice... to be able to finally say it" Stephen gave a small grin to Cutter as he spoke.

Cutter smiled softly at that as he hugged Stephen, feeling comforted by the back rub, "I'm ... its been a process but I ... I think I'm at the point now I can say that I'm okay," Cutter told him softly, "it's really nice to hear you say it as well,"

"Not sure how long I have... being not-dead is a new thing for me. But I am glad I'm here with you now. For whatever time there is."

Stephen had always imagined what an apology might look like, what it might be like if he finally got just one chance to see Cutter again. To apologize. To tell him how he felt. And now that he was.... he was still barely able to believe it.

"I must admit this is a bit of a new experience for me as well, I don't have much experience with people coming back from the dead," Cutter admitted, well Claudia was probably the closest thing he had to experiencing that but he was definitely not ready yet to open that can of worms, he was focusing on Stephen being there and talking to Stephen, "but I'm glad that you're here as well," he said softly.

"New for both of us... The insanity does have limits evidently" he grinned. "You doing good Nick? Staying out of trouble? I know i told you to tell Abby and Connor that, but... It also kinda applied to you as well!"

Cutter nodded, “I’ve been okay, the last couple of months were a bit rough but I think we’re getting through the worst of them now,” he said softly, not quite sure how to even begin to explain everything with Connor and his Stephen, “well I haven’t destroyed any more kitchens so I’ve mostly been staying out of trouble?” he tried.

"Hey better than getting lectured by Lester all day long" Stephen said with a laugh and a somewhat fond grin. "Still remember me agreeing to shove him through an anomaly for ya at one point. Has he gotten any easier or at least calmed down a little bit?"

"Oh he still likes the lecturing," Cutter laughed as well, "but believe it or not he has actually calmed down somewhat, he's ... I would actually consider James to be a good friend now," he said fondly at that.

"Ok then this definitely has to be an alternate timeline or something!" Stephen said with a laugh. "Guess I should be glad that it is huh? I get to be here like this after all."

Stephen fell silent for a moment then then looked at Cutter. "I... I a glad I can be here... I just.... I just wish there was a way I could make it up to you... really make amends for... for everything I did to you. I was a terrible friend so many times and I... I know I cant ever make up for it. But I am sorry Nick."

"You being here and visiting is more than enough and you also sacrificed yourself for me, I don't think you have any more amending to do after that," Cutter said softly, "I ... I was angry with you for a long time and I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't want to see me but now ... now I know it wasn't just me hurting, that you were hurting as well and I'm also sorry about how things turned out between us,"

"We both were just a couple of blithering bloody idiots" Stephen said with a sad smile. "Both messed up, let the emotions get in the way, and were too stubborn to try and see things any other way."

Stephen reached over and with a slight hesitation put a hand on Cutter's shoulder and pulled him close into a hug. "At least we got this time now... right here... to make up for some of that lost time. Time we never had before. I'd consider that a gift and a sign that we're gonna be alright in the long run."

Cutter gratefully returned that, "I'm glad that we got this chance to talk, I'm sorry that I never took the chance when ..." he bit his lip, "when I had the chance to ..." he said finally, not quite willing to say when Stephen was still alive.

"I will always cherish what we had," Cutter said softly, he knew accepting his past relationships for what they were and acknowledging them, were a bit part of him being able to move on.

"As will I, Nick" Stephen said as he slowly pulled back a little but kept his arms around him lightly. "I will always be glad for what we have, I will always remember that time we had together." He gave a small, somewhat sad smile. "I... I might have started looking for something from you when Helen disappeared just to fill that gap. But... I quickly found myself genuinely falling for you... enjoying being with you... loving you. And Im sorry for... for my part in letting that die out. But regardless... I always cherished that time we had... and I always will."

Cutter bit his lip, he could feel tears starting to build at that and his nodded, "I loved you too," he said softly, "it ... I was happy with you, with what we had and I ... I'm sorry that I never tried to reach out or try and communicate with you how I was feeling, I ... I should have done more, I ... I don't blame you for our relationship falling apart,"

"We both messed up and made bad choices" Stephen said simply. "But I don't put the blame on either of us for it ultimately ending. That was Helen. She never handled rejection well... and if she couldn't have us to herself, she seemed determined to make sure what we had didn't last either." Stephen gave a small dry laugh and shook his head. "Typical Helen, twisting and manipulating to get her way in the end. I'm just sorry it too me till that very end to realize what had happened." The smile turned a bit wider as Stpehen looked at Cutter. "I'm glad you have Connor here. You shouldn't be alone. Im glad you have someone watching out for you."

The tears were spilling over now, "I ..." Cutter tried to return that smile but he couldn't ... he made such a mess of everything, he had let Helen get into his head and ruin everything good that he had going for him, "I ... " he stood there, unable to stop the tears, "I messed everything up ...again,"

He realised that was basically confirming that he and Connor had been together but talking through his relationship with Stephen and his failings there, was bringing everything to the surface.

And whether or not Stephen made that connection or realized the unspoken confession, he made no indication. "If things are messed up... if mistakes have been made.... you at least have the chance to make it right this time." Stephen gave Cutter a small smile. "Maybe.... maybe that is why I was allowed to come back? To remind you that your story isn't done? That you still have the chance to write what happens next? And if that's the case... then I am glad and thankful for that." Stephen gently pulled Cutter back into the hug at that.

"I don't know if I can, I ... I was completely selfish and I don't know if my actions can be forgiven," Cutter sobbed as Stephen pulled him into the hug, "I ... I'm trying to work through it but I ... I miss how things used to be and I don't know if we can ever get to that again,"

"You both are smart, you will figure it out" Stephen said simply. He had a feeling there was more than just the strong friendship there between Nick and this version of Connor. But it wasn't his place to bring it up and if Cutter wasn't going to mention he wasn't going to either.

Cutter closed his eyes as he tried to stop his tears but couldn't, "what if I don't?" he said softly, "what if I just mess things up again ...like I always do,"

"If it happens, then you deal with it and figure things out from there," Stephen said simply. "You cant miss what you got right now because you are worried about tomorrow or what ifs. You will drive yourself mad that way."

Cutter sobbed but he nodded at that, "I guess I'm still scared of the future, with everything being uncertain, not knowing my place at the ARC ... I guess the only thing I can keep doing is moving forward, focus on what I can control,"

Stephen pulled Cutter back into a hug and held him for a moment, rubbing his back lightly as he did. "You have been through more than anyone else could have endured. You will get through this. I have no doubt of that." Stephen gave Cutter a small squeeze as he added "and the Nick Cutter I know is too stubborn to go down without a fight anyways."

Cutter trembled as he leaned in and gratefully returned that hug, tears running down his cheeks as he held tightly on to Stephen, "thank you," he whispered softly, "I ... I'm going to get through this, I'm going to work on this ... you being here has helped me so much already," he sobbed.

"Then that alone has made this visit worth it" Stehen said as he kept the hug going for a while longer. "So..." he said when he finally broke the hug and sat back on the couch and looked at Cutter. Why don't you tell me a bit about what its like here in Fandom. I get the feeling that there's a level of oddness here that would even rival the ARC" he said with a small grin. He knew there was a lot that was going on and all, but Getting Cutter to focus on happier topics would probably be good for him right then considering.

"You have no idea," Cutter said softly with a grin as they sat back down on the couch and then as they settled down he began to talk about everything about Fandom and describing some of the more weirder things to happen to him since he had moved to Fandom.

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MHA #16 - Saturday Afternoon

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