MHA #16 - Friday Evening After Sunset

[itsananomaly]

Cutter was still feeling a little restless from the other day and even though that stone had helped, he still couldn’t help but wonder about what it meant that he had been dreaming of Captain Ryan and then the last couple of days he had started dreaming of Stephen as well but it was Stephen before everything had happened with Helen, the Stephen he had happy memories of and that just made his restless energy grow.

After nervously pacing his flat for a bit to try and get rid of some of the restlessness that he was feeling, he decided to try and do something productive and after a while he thought maybe he should try and do some laundry, the pile had been growing steadily bigger since Rex had found Connor’s hoodie the other week. Maybe he should at least start organising the piles of laundry that he had.

As he bent down to start sorting through those piles of clothes, he thought he really did need to get more social … it was a Friday night and he was there doing laundry.

{up early for timezones)

Comments

[itsananomaly]

"I seem to keep making mistakes," Cutter trembled, "and I keep hurting the people that I love, I pushed Connor away when he needed me the most ... I wasn't supportive at all either as a leader or as a boyfriend and now ..." his voice trailed off, "I keep hearing Helen's words in my mind ... that I'll just mess everything up," he couldn't meet Ryan's gaze, "I don't deserve to be a leader,"

[thearcfamily]

There was a good bit there that Ryan wasn't sure about. He did raise an eyebrow a little at the Connor and boyfriend bit but he also gave a fond smile.From where they were sitting on the couch, Ryan put a hand on Cutter's shoulder.

"Nick.. I don't know what all happened after I... I died. But I know you. You are a good leader. You saved the team countless times. When Lester had no clue and when I couldn't even make a dent in an incursion, you were always there. You lead us like no one could."

Ryan paused a moment as he watched Cutter closely for a moment.

"All leaders mess up at times Nick, but I know for a fact, all of us would have died within the first week or two of dealing with the anomalies if it wasn't for you."

[itsananomaly]

And Cutter winced a bit at that since … well … technically Ryan had already been dead, but he didn’t really need to bring all that up, “Stephen nearly died in the underground because I sent Connor home … he would have been able to get Stephen the help he needed a lot sooner if I hadn’t sent him home,” he took a sip of beer, "I guess I have a really poor history of decision making," he paused, "actually I know I do, if I'd been really smart I never would have married Helen,"

[thearcfamily]

"Well, hindsight is always clearer. None of us have perfect decision making skills." Ryan took a drink of the beer himself and thought for a moment. "I wasn't flawless during my time with the Home Office and the team. But you know what I think, Professor? You should look at the times you did make the right call. The times your decision saved members of the team. The times you got it right. Those were far more numerous than the slipups and mistakes."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter trembled, “it just feels hard to do that,“ he said softly, “I … I screwed up majorly a few months ago, it’s why I’m not team leader at the moment, I … myself and Connor were kidnapped by Helen and Stephen and … an ex boss who started after … “ his voice trailed off as he was about to say ‘you died’ but realised he still couldn’t do that, “well … you know … and they held us captive for a week and tortured us, we were lucky to get out of there alive … I convinced Connor to come with me the day we were captured, without backup, what kind of leader does that?”

[thearcfamily]

"Sounds to me like that is something where the blame falls squarely with Helen again," Ryan said simply as he took another swig of his beer and watched Cutter for a moment. "Just like my death" he said softly.

He had noticed how Cutter couldn't really say those words and still tiptoed around the fact that he had died. Ryan gave a small reassuring smile.

"I know you blame yourself Nick" he said, using Cutter's first time to make sure he was listening. "But it's not your fault I died. That is squarely on Helen's shoulders. Everything she did, her lies, her manipulations, her plan... one of us saw it coming. You can't blame yourself for what Helen did. To me and to everyone else."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter's shoulders slumped and he trembled at that, he reluctantly met Ryan's gaze at the use of his first name, "I brought Helen into everyone's lives," he let out a sob, "how could I not be responsible for her actions, if I'd ... if I'd just left her in the anomalies ... she clearly preferred that to being with me, I ... I don't know why I never realised it ...if I'd never found her ...you would still be alive,"

[thearcfamily]

"If memory serves me right" Ryan said gently. "It wasn't you who originally dragged her back through that anomaly. That was Lester and the Minister's doing. You gave Helen the choice and was willing to let her stay if she wanted. You didn't drag her back through the anomaly. Lester forced to you to contend with your wife being back." Ryan gave a small sigh, he could only image how hard this was for Cutter. "I don't blame Lester for what happened. I don't blame you either. And either should you."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter trembled as the tears started to fall, he couldn’t help it and he stared down at his beer, “I …I still feel responsible, for you, for - for Claudia …Step-Stephen …none of this would have happened if I’d been a better leader,” he cried.

[thearcfamily]

"And if you weren't the leader you were, we all would have been dead. As would who knows how many hundreds or thousands of other people" Ryan said simply.

"I know it's hard, Nick.... but don't let the what ifs rob you of what you have here and now. Whether it's as leader of the team or just a field team member or support member, I don't think your work with the anomalies and Lester and whatever team you have right now is over" Bryan said with a small smile.

"Just promise me, you will think about it before you make any sort of final decision ok? As a friend."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter sat there trembling as he cried softly ... the guilt and the self loathing he felt over everything that had happened finally overwhelmed him and he couldn't stop those tears.

As he sobbed, he did feel somewhat comforted by the knowledge that Ryan didn't blame him for his death and that helped ease some of the uneasiness that he felt but everything else ...

Finally he nodded, "I'll think about it," he promised softly, "I ... I'll need to talk to Connor as well before I make my decision, I'll definitely give it a great deal of thought,"

[thearcfamily]

Ryan nodded and put an arm around Cutter in a firm side hug for a minute. "And that's all anyone can ask of you. You'll make the choice that is right for you, and for Connor. I have no doubt about that."

And then Ryan let go and sat back against the couch a bit. "So, this is a really nice place ya got for yourself here" he said with a small grin. Yes he was terrible at trying to change the subject to something a little less depressing. Tactfulness was never his strong suit. Was that going to stop him? No, no it was not.

[itsananomaly]

And as he wiped away those tears, Cutter couldn't help but laugh at Ryan's attempt to change the subject, "yeah this is where I'm staying while I'm in Fandom ... it's a little messy," he said rather apologetically as he looked over at the piles of laundry he had been sorting through and the books and papers he had everything, "but it's nice here, oh and Connor ... uh he's not my Connor, he's a different Connor ...he lives across the hall," he explained.

[thearcfamily]

"Hehe, you never did see my flat back in London" Ryan chuckled. "Was the stereotypical bachelor pad!"

And Ryan tilted his head a little as Cutter brought up Connor.

"So wait... another Connor? Like another version, from a different reality or something?" Look the whole physics and sci-fi stuff was all greek to Ryan. "Is... is he exactly the same as the Connor we knew.... before? Or is he completely different and just looks like him?"

[itsananomaly]

"He's from a different reality, as far as I can tell they have some similarities, similar backgrounds and they share the same likes and dislikes but there are some differences as well ..." he paused, "er ... namely my Connor is dating Abby back home and um well I dated the Connor here up until a couple of months ago," he said softly.

[thearcfamily]

"Oh really? You and Connor? That's nice... I mean not the breaking up bit, but... glad you have someone around here keeping an eye on you at least" Bryan said with a fond smile. "He always seemed like a really good kid."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter gave a smile at that, "yeah he is, we're still friends ...well still figuring out the friends part, which is better than where we were a month ago but it's nice still being able to hang out together," he said softly, "I've never been good at expressing my feelings ... but I'm working through it," he added.

[thearcfamily]

"Seemed to be a common thread with us at the Home Office" Ryan said. "And let's just say that the military didn't really focus on 'getting in touch with your feelings' during training."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter gave a small smile at that, "actually our current head of security, I've been talking to him a lot through all of this, trying to make sense of everything, he's become a bit of pseudo-counsellor," he stared down at his hands, "it's a shame the two of you never got to meet, I think you would have been really good friends - his names Captain Becker,"

[thearcfamily]

"Well if he's doing good by you and Connor then he gets a passing vote from me" Ryan said. "Sounds like the team is still going strong, which is good. But how is Lester doing? Still as much a stuff shirt pencil pusher as he was before?" Ryan asked as he tried not to laugh a bit thinking about the times they had poked at Lester behind his back.

[itsananomaly]

"Actually if you can believe it he's mellowed out a bit," Cutter said softly with a grin, "even let Connor and me stay at his play for a couple of weeks while we recovered, I mean ... he can still be a bit of a stuff shirt but I think we've grown on him, he'll never admit that though,"

[thearcfamily]

"Well I'll be, miracles do happen" Ryan said with a laugh. "I'd say the old man the best from me but... would probably break his little mind, all this. Hell, I don't even understand this myself to be honest." Ryan looked over at Cutter and smiled. "But I am thankful for it all the same. I... I had been worried what was going to happen to you... and the team...if I.. ya know."

[itsananomaly]

"You know I'm almost tempted to say that to Lester even though he would probably sanction me if I did," Cutter gave a small smile at that and then his smile softened, "you're greatly missed Captain," he said softly, "we couldn't have gotten as far as we did without you there supporting us," he paused, "and I'm sorry for all those times that I gave you hell for doing your job, James should really have given you a pay rise," he said sheepishly.

[thearcfamily]

"Yes, yes he did" Ryan agreed with a grin of his own. "And you were a bit of a handful I will admit... having to half drag your sorry arse back through anomalies and trying to keep your team from becoming dino chow."

[itsananomaly]

Cutter smiled at that, "yeah that part hasn't changed too much I'm afraid, I still have a tendency to leap before I look, I still get into quite a bit of trouble as Captain Becker is now finding out," he admitted a bit sheepishly.